This originally appeared on playthroughline.com
Written by Ed Smith, the following script is a re-write of 1998’s Metal Gear Solid and it’s fucking hilarious and weird, and Joannes from playthroughline.com very kindly gave me permission to post it here for you all.
Also a big thanks to Ed Smith for writing it or yapping it out-loud to his man-servant. I don’t know his process but it works. Hope you all enjoy it. (Ed.)
EXT. WET DOCK – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SECRET AGENT MAN SOLID SNAKE emerges from the WATER wearing a WETSUIT. He is GRIZZLED, STUBBLY and DOES NOT HAVE A CODE NAME THAT SOUNDS LIKE A EUPHEMISM FOR AN ERECTION. He climbs onto a DOCK and puts a FINGER AGAINST HIS EAR.
This initiates a CODEC CALL between SNAKE and COLONEL CAMPBELL. IMAGES of BOTH MEN appear on either side of the SCREEN, tinted in ELECTRONIC GREEN. The IMAGES are STATIC, except for the MOUTHS, which open and close like a GOLDFISH BOBBING FOR FOOD.
SNAKE
This is Snake. The Snakeman. Snakestry. Colonel, can you hear me?
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Loud and clear, Snakers. What’s the situation?
SNAKE takes cover behind a CRATE and peers around it.
SNAKE
Looks like the elevator in the back is the only way up.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Just as I suspected. Elevators are often used to carry things up. Sneak, I want you to snake onto that elevator without being spotted by anybody. When you’re there, lie face down on the ground and make a noise like “wuuuuuur” until it gets to the top.
SNAKE
Just for a laugh?
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Yeah, just for a laugh.
SNAKE
Beef. Okay, I’m ready to go.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
One more thing, Snake. The codec directly stimulates the small bones of your ear. No one but you will be able to hear it. That means that later on, even when you’re sitting, standing or just arsing around in front of guards, shouting at me about documents or some shit, it’ll make sense because nobody can hear what we’re saying. It’s all nanomachines and shit, you feel me?
SNAKE
Got it. Alright, let’s get this bitch.
The CODEC CALL ENDS. SNAKE is about to MOVE OFF when he hears, from the back of the DOCK, the voice of LIQUID SNAKE. He looks exactly like SNAKE, except with BLONDE HAIR AND A TRENCHCOAT that makes it look like he’s about to DISCRETELY RUB ONE OUT IN A CINEMA.
LIQUID SNAKE
(addressing a guard)
Stay alert. He’ll come through here, I know it. I’m going to go and — shoot down some planes.
The GUARD tries to SALUTE, but because the GUARDS are all DUMB SHITS, he accidentally pulls the PIN on a GRENADE TIED TO HIS VEST AND BLOWS UP. LIQUID doesn’t REACT and just goes up in the ELEVATOR looking TOUGH.
Eventually, the ELEVATOR comes back down and SNAKE dips behind a GUARD, crouches down and does THREE FORWARD ROLLS onto the ELEVATOR. Then he strips off his DIVING GEAR and lies face down on the FLOOR.
EXT. HELIPAD – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
The ELEVATOR arrives with SNAKE lying face down going “WUUUUUUR.” He stands up, shakes himself off and runs into the HELIPAD AREA, where LIQUID is getting into a HIND-D HELICOPTER. On the side, he’s painted the words “10-4 LOVER BOY COMING IN HOT.”
SNAKE
A Hind-D? Colonel, what’s a Russian gunship doing here?
COLONEL CAMPBELL
I have no idea. It should be in Russia.
The CODEC blinks and DR. NAOMI HUNTER appears on the SCREEN in place of DAT COLONEL.
NAOMI HUNTER
Snake, I’m here to provide you with mission support. How’s the sneaking suit?
SNAKE presses a few BUTTONS on the CONTROLLER mounted on the WRIST of his SUIT. The SOLES OF HIS SHOES turn into little HOVERCRAFTS and he’s able to FLOAT AROUND.
SNAKE
I love it. It’s well fucking farcical.
NAOMI HUNTER
My pleasure. And I gave you that injection as well, the one to stop you from —
(air quotes)
freezing to death.
SNAKE
It is super cold!
They both LAUGH.
SNAKE
Not to disappoint you, but I did manage to smuggle out my smokes.
NAOMI HUNTER
And how did you do that?
SNAKE
I pushed them into my ears one by one. Observe.
SNAKE pinches his NOSE, closes his EYES AND MOUTH, and blows REALLY HARD. CIGARETTES shoot out of BOTH HIS EARS. He picks one up and LIGHTS IT.
SNAKE
I’m a badass, did you know?
The CODEC flickers again. MEI LING replaces NAOMI on-screen.
MEI LING
I am here to save your data! I can also give you loads of proverbs! Remember what De Gaulle said: don’t run with scissors.
COLONEL CAMBBELL cuts back in.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
You need to find the DARPA chief. Our intelligence says he is being held in a basement inside the tank hangar. He’s also a massive fan of Vampire Weekend, so you should be able to find him easily.
SNAKE sets out across the HELIPAD. During this section, he finds some CHAFF GRENADES which DISABLE ELECTRONICS and a SOCOM PISTOL which DISABLES ANY MOTHERFUCKER WHAT DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR HIM.
There are A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT VENTILATION SHAFTS that SNAKE can use to exit the HELIPAD and infiltrate the TANK HANGAR. He picks the one on the TOP FLOOR because IT’S THE ONE THAT I ALWAYS USED TO USE.
INT. VENTILATION SHAFT – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
True to his NAME, SNAKE is crawling along the VENT. He uses this rare bit of ALONE TIME to FIRE UP A CIGARETTE. SMOKE fills the SHAFT, SNAKE’S VISION and the SCREEN.
SNAKE
Oh yeah, fuck yeah, smoking, shit yeah.
The CODEC RINGS, because WHEN DOESN’T IT? This time, it’s MASTER MILLER, who looks like DUKE FUCKING NUKEM but isn’t LIQUID SNAKE for sure.
LIQU– MASTER MILLER
Snake, this is McDonell Liquid Miller Snake Nukem. It’s been a long time.
SNAKE
Master, what are you doing here?
MASTER MILLER
Good fucking question. I was called into this mission to give you support. I know a lot about Alaska, so feel free to ask me anything about the flora or fauna here.
SNAKE
Flora and fauna? What are you, a gardener?
(laughs)
MASTER MILLER
Ha ha no but take the piss out of me again and I’ll fucking eat you.
INT. TANK HANGAR – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE emerges from the VENT via a HYPE-AS-SHIT FORWARD HANGING ROLL onto a WELL-LIT METAL PLATFORM to the sound of MEMORABLE MUSIC.
There is a SURVEILLANCE CAMERA on the WALL. SNAKE jumps from where he’s standing to DIRECTLY ON TOP OF IT, avoiding its GAZE in the process. He is after all the BEST SECRET AGENT MAN IN THE WORLD. Navigating the TANK HANGAR, which is totally HANGING TANKS, SNAKE finds an ELEVATOR and goes down to the BASEMENT.
MEI LING
Snake, look at your radar. It’s the —
SNAKE
Shut up a second.
The faint sound of “COUSINS” by VAMPIRE WEEKEND can be heard through the WALLS.
MEI LING
It’s the DARPA chief. Hurry and rescue him! Look before you leap.
SNAKE climbs a LADDER and soon finds himself inside ANOTHER VENT. Peering down some of the GRILLS, he sees a GUARD talking to himself on the TOILET and a SEXY LADY.
SNAKE
Fuckin’ yes man, fuckin’ yes. Phwoar.
SNAKE is snapped out of his REVERIE by the sound of VAMPIRE WEEKEND’S “A-PUNK” coming through the VENT. He has a JOB to do. He crawls to THE LAST GRILL and does another SICK FORWARD HANGING ROLL and drops down into the CELL of the DARPA CHIEF.
DARPA CHIEF
Look outside the raincoats coming, say oh/Look outside the raincoats coming, say oh/Hey-hey-hey!
SNAKE’S COOL ROLL actually BACKFIRES a bit and he lands ARSEWARDS on the DARPA CHIEF’S IPOD SPEAKERS, knocking off the MUSIC.
DARPA CHIEF
Now we’ll miss White Sky, which to my mind is the second best track off of Contra. Did you know they recorded it while —
SNAKE
I’m here to rescue you. You’re the Donald Anderson, chief of DARPA, right?
DARPA CHIEF
My friends call me Darpa Don. Or Don Darpa. Do you watch Mad Men?
SNAKE
Tell me what’s going on at this facility.
DARPA CHIEF
We’re using it to build a nuclear equipped walking battle tank. It has a railgun, satellite and enough firepower to target and destroy any Bernie Inn on the face of the Earth.
SNAKE
Metal Gear? It can’t be.
DARPA CHIEF
It super is.
SNAKE
How do I destroy it?
The DARPA CHIEF has been busy PUTTING HIS SPEAKERS BACK TOGETHER.
DARPA CHIEF
You need three card keys.
He hits PLAY and “WHITE SKY” starts up.
DARPA CHIEF
They’re called PAL keys. Find them, insert them into the computer and boom, Metal Gear will be all like “Ah man, you shut me down.”
SNAKE
Where do I find these “keys?”
DARPA CHIEF
Try Ken Baker. He’s on the next floor down. Looks like a fat Patrick Stewart, can’t miss him.
SNAKE
Fat Patrick Stewart, gotcha. Now I’m sure you —
DARPA CHIEF
Hang on, I love this bit. You waited since lunch/It all comes at once/Aaaah, oooh. By the way, you haven’t heard of any other way to disarm the PAL keys, have you? From your bosses or anyone?
SNAKE
Nuuu.
DARPA CHIEF
But, what about the Pentagon?
SNAKE
Like the shape?
The DARPA chief CLUTCHES HIS CHEST all of sudden. He looks like he’s having a HEART ATTACK, the PILLOCK.
SNAKE
Woah, chill the fuck out, dude. I just haven’t heard anything yet. I’ll call the Colonel and ask.
DARPA CHIEF
(sliding to the floor)
ARGH! ARRRRRGH!
SNAKE
Relax! I said I’ll call him.
The DARPA CHIEF collapses onto the FLOOR, DEAD.
SNAKE
Colonel, hey, it’s — oh hang on.
(checks DARPA chief’s body)
Never mind, he’s dead.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
He’s dead?
SNAKE
As denim turn-ups.
NAOMI HUNTER
It looked like a heart attack.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
A heart attack? Oh no.
SNAKE
Whoa there, what are you sneaky shits talking about?
COLONEL CAMPBELL
FoxD–
NAOMI HUNTER
Hey! Shut up!
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Erm, Fox — Dennis. There’s this guy here at mission command called Dennis who looks totally like a fox. Look!
The COLONEL blinks off-screen for a moment.
COLONEL CAMPBELL (O.S.)
Dennis, hop on the Codec. I’ll explain in a minute.
DENNIS appears on-screen.
DENNIS
Hi, Snake.
SNAKE
He doesn’t look that much like —
The COLONEL grabs DENNIS’ HEAD from behind and pulls the SKIN back so it goes TIGHT. Now it looks more like he has TINY FOX EYES.
SNAKE
Oh yeah, now I see it.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Thanks, Dennis. Snake, rescue Kenneth Baker and get his PAL key. Destroy Metal Gear.
The CODEC TRANSMISSION ends. SNAKE is back in the CELL with the DEAD AS OH MY GOD JUST SO TOTALLY DEAD YOU GUYS DARPA CHIEF. There’s a NOISE outside. The DOOR to the CELL SUDDENLY SLIDES OPEN and SNAKE walks out of it CAUTIOUSLY.
In the PRISON LOBBY, SNAKE turns his head and sees the GUARD FROM BEFORE. He is UNCONSCIOUS AND NAKED, with his ARSE IN THE AIR LIKE HE JUST DON’T CARE. Preoccupied by the CLOTHESLESS ABANDON OF THE GUARD, SNAKE is suddenly JUMPED BY AN AS OF YET UNSEEN WOMA– OH FUCK IT WE ALL KNOW IT’S MERYL.
MERYL
Don’t move!
MERYL has her GUN pointed at SNAKE’S HEAD.
MERYL
So you killed the chief, you bastard!
SNAKE draws his own GUN and points it at MERYL.
SNAKE
Think you can shoot me, rookie? Oh, you just did. Fucking ow!
A bunch of GUARDS burst in. They would EXECUTE THE SHIT OUT OF MERYL AND SNAKE but are MOMENTARILY DISTRACTED by the sight of the NAKED GUARD, whose BALLS are JUST OUT THERE FOR ALL TO SEE.
SNAKE and MERYL shoot the GUARDS. SNAKE does this thing where he puts the GUN behind him and under his LEG, and shoots them like that, ONE-HANDED, because he’s a SHOW-OFF.
MERYL
Thanks for the help!
She runs away towards the ELEVATOR and we get a GRATUITOUS SLOW MOTION SHOT OF MERYL’S ARSE. This will be a PLOT DEVICE and GAMEPLAY MECHANIC later on, which is WEIRD.
When she gets in the ELEVATOR, she turns and shoots at SNAKE for a bit, just because he’s an ANUS. Just then, a MAN looking like a fucking THIN GIMP appears FLOATING IN MID-AIR.
THIN GIMP
Good girl. Just like that.
EVERYONE WHO PLAYED MGS IN 1998
What?
INT. BASEMENT – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE dodges some PITFALL-STYLE FLOOR TRAPS which for some reason are HERE and collects some MORE WEAPONS. He plants a C4 CHARGE on a weakened section of WALL and is about to BLOW IT UP when he realises he has forgotten something. He approaches the CHARGE and screws on a SILENCER. This is after all a STEALTH MISSION.
The sound of the EXPLOSION is almost exactly the same as the sound an IPHONE MAKES WHEN YOU LOCK IT. SNAKE, who is SOLID, PENETRATES THE GAPING HOLE. KENNETH BAKER is tied to lots of WIRES all connected to BOMBS. If SNAKE touches one, everything will BLOW UP. Suddenly, from the corner of the room, REVOLVER OCELOT APPEARS. He is carrying his trademark OCELOT, I mean, REVOLVER.
REVOLVER OCELOT
This is the Colt Single Action Army. It’s absolutely tits. Look at this shit. Don’t you just want to grab it and open it up and just, unhhh, you know? Just get in there, in that barrel and that chamber and that trigger guard and just fucking, just fucking, UNHHH.
Distracted by the SEXINESS of his GUN, OCELOT fails to notice the ACTUAL NINJA that is coming towards him. The NINJA CUTS OFF OCELOT’S HAND.
REVOLVER OCELOT
My hand!
He picks it up using, you know, HIS OTHER HAND and looks at SNAKE.
REVOLVER OCELOT
You were lucky! We’ll meet again! In five fucking sequels!
OCELOT runs away like a PUNK BITCH. The NINJA turns to SNAKE.
SNAKE
Who are you?
NINJA
I am like you. I have no name.
It’s later revealed that the NINJA’S NAME is FRANK and SNAKE is actually called DAVID. FRANK AND DAVID.
The NINJA GOES MENTAL and JUMPS AWAY SOMEWHERE. In the process, he knocks over a BUNCH OF THE WIRES and KENNETH BAKER falls over while getting a bit of EXPLOSION ON HIM.
SNAKE
Hey, Fatrick Stewart. I need your PAL key.
BAKER is coughing up LUMPS OF CONCRETE and HIMSELF.
KENNETH BAKER
I don’t have it. But if you want to stop Metal Gear, which you should because it’s super dangerous, you need to find Hal Emmerich. He designed the fucking thing. He works in the nuclear warhead storage building. And here, take this.
He hands SNAKE an ITEM. It’s a CD.
KENNETH BAKER
It’s Metal Gear’s test data. Meryl has the PAL key. You’ll have to contact her by codec. Her frequency is on the back of the CD case.
A GENERATION OF YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN reasonably assume that BAKER is referring to the CD CASE HE JUST FUCKING HANDED TO SNAKE, and SPEND HOURS trying to EXAMINE IT SOMEHOW IN THE INVENTORY. However, the FREQUENCY is actually on the back of THE CASE THAT THE GAME ITSELF CAME IN.
EVERYONE WHO PLAYED MGS IN 1998
What?
SNAKE and BAKER also have a LONG CONVERSATION about the ethics of NUCLEAR WEAPONS, the likelihood of NUCLEAR DISARMAMENT and the ways that governments cover up their NUCLEAR DISPOSAL PROGRAMS. But then BAKER also has a HEART ATTACK.
SNAKE
Another heart attack!
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Look, Snake, I can’t lie to you. This is —
NAOMI jumps on-screen with DENNIS in tow.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
It’s Fox Dennis! See?
She pulls back the SKIN on his FACE again.
SNAKE
I guess.
The CALL ENDS. SNAKE goes back up to the TANK HANGAR and calls MERYL, using a CODE that he got from the back of the BOX of a GAME THAT HAS HIM IN IT.
MERYL
The fuck’s this? Are you Snake? THE Solid Snake?
SNAKE
Some people call me that. But the past has a way of —
MERYL
The guy with the erection name?
SNAKE
What?
MERYL
Yeah! Yeah, my uncle, you know, Roy Campbell, the Colonel, told me about you. He came round one Thanksgiving and was talking about this new soldier guy and how he had this stupid codename. God, we laughed for hours. FUCKING HOURS.
MERYL LAUGHS. THE COLONEL appears momentarily on the CODEC and LAUGHS ALSO.
MERYL
So, what’s up, boner?
SNAKE
I need the card Kenneth Baker gave you.
MERYL
Oh, sure. Just come find me in the next building over. I’m disguised as a guard, but you can look at my arse to know it’s me because that’s a totally fucking normal thing to do that isn’t sexist at all.
SNAKE
Beef.
SNAKE exits the TANK HANGAR because FUCK THAT PLACE AND ITS TANKS. He has to dodge some INVISIBLE LASERS and then crawl over a MINEFIELD and then he’s ATTACKED BY A TANK because this is A REALLY BAD DAY FOR HIM.
The TANK opens up. VULCAN RAVEN emerges. He is a BALD, MUSCULAR MAN covered in TATTOOS and blessed with a VOICE just like ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER’S.
VULCAN RAVEN
This is Raven’s territory. Snakes don’t belong in Alaska. Animal metaphor.
The TANK’S TURRENT swivels towards SNAKE.
VULCAN RAVEN
Come! Let’s fight!
SNAKE
Are you fucking joking? Are you actually fucking joking? “Come, let’s fight.” Yeah, fucking as if.
SNAKE gives RAVEN AND THE TANK the DOUBLE FINGERS and walks off through a DOOR. RAVEN gets on the CODEC to LIQUID SNAKE.
VULCAN RAVEN
Well boss, I hope you are happy. He ran away.
LIQUID SNAKE
Did you take the tank?
VULCAN RAVEN
Erm — no.
LIQUID SNAKE
You fucking took the tank! You piece of shit, Raven. You liar. Of course he ran away. Christ, for a big guy like you that’s a pretty chickenshit maneuvre.
REVOLVER OCELOT chimes in on the CODEC.
REVOLVER OCELOT
You took the tank, seriously? Because I went after him with just a gun, you know, like a real man.
VULCAN RAVEN
Yeah, and look what happened to you, you fucking handless idiot.
LIQUID SNAKE
Ooooooh, you just got served, son!
REVOLVER OCELOT
No, actually. It wasn’t Snake who did that, it was the robot ninja.
VULCAN RAVEN
Oh yes, of course. The robot ninja. The robot ninja that definitely exists. “Hey guys, I lost my hand but it’s totally cool and you should totally be impressed and not laugh at me about it because it was a robot ninja.”
LIQUID SNAKE
Yeah, Ocelot. Is that the best you had? You got punked by Snake, admit it.
REVOLVER OCELOT
I did not! It was a robot ninja!
LIQUID SNAKE
What’s next? A vampire that runs up walls? A guy who — throws — bees?
INT. NUCLEAR WARHEAD STORAGE BUILDING – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE is looking out at an ELECTRIFIED FLOOR. If he walks on it, he will DIE. Beyond the floor is the office of HAL EMMERICH. To get there, SNAKE will have to DISABLE THE FLOOR.
SNAKE
We’re gonna rock down to “Electric Avenue.”
His CODEC RINGS. It’s a CHARACTER with THE SAME VOICE AS THE DARPA CHIEF, except it’s NOT THE DARPA CHIEF.
VOICE
Snake, listen. If you try to walk on that floor, you’ll die instantly. You need to use a remote-controlled missile to disable the fuse box.
SNAKE
Who are you anyway?
VOICE
Just call me Deep Throat.
SNAKE
The informant from the Watergate scandal?
VOICE
Okay. Just call me Debbie Does Dallas.
SNAKE steers a REMOTE-CONTROLLED MISSILE into the ELECTRIC FLOOR’S CIRCUIT BOX and destroys ONE OF THE BEST BITS OF THE GAME.
INT. HAL EMMERICH’S OFFICE – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
The ROBOT NINJA is standing over HAL EMMERICH holding his SWORD and still looking like a kind of METAL SPIDER-MAN. EMMERICH notices SNAKE WALKING THROUGH THE DOOR.
SNAKE
And then we take it higher! Wh– HOLY SHIT!
HAL EMMERICH
Oh no, not more of them!
(pisses himself, obviously)
The NINJA turns and notices SNAKE. EMMERICH runs and hides in a CUPBOARD, the same one he just had a PISS near.
NINJA
Fine, he can hide in there. But you and me. Hand to hand. It’s the basis of all combat. Only a fool trusts his life to a weapon.
SNAKE
Oh you wanna go? Cos I’ll go. I’ll go right now, captain. I’m fired up, brah. I’m in fifth gear.
Ignoring all of the NINJA’S MYSTICAL SUN TZU BULLSHIT, SNAKE WINDMILLS IN and CATCHES HIM WITH A NAUGHTY RIGHT HOOK. The NINJA is taken aback.
NINJA
That’s it Snake, that was good. Now, give me more. We will fight like warriors.
Snake is still NOT INTO THAT. He HEADBUTTS the NINJA and then gives him a few SWIFT KICKS TO THE BOLLOCKS WHILE HE’S ON THE FLOOR. SNAKE’S FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN STYLE PUGILISM causes the NINJA’S INVISIBILITY CLOAK TO MALFUNCTION. With each KICK TO THE KNACKERS, he VANISHES and REAPPEARS
SNAKE
You want some more, tiger? You want some fucking more, eh klaxon?
The NINJA suddenly starts to FREAK OUT BIG STYLE. He SCREAMS AND BANGS HIS METAL HEAD ON THE FLOOR OF THE OFFICE.
NINJA
FFFFFFUUUUUU–
SNAKE
(terrified)
Shit dude, I didn’t mean to —
NINJA
–UUUUUUCKING HEEEEEELL!
The NINJA bounces around the OFFICE SCREAMING AND GYRATING. At one point he goes so CRAZY and moves so VIOLENTLY that his LITTLE METAL TROUSERS FALL DOWN. He eventually BOUNDS OUT THE OFFICE.
SNAKE
Could it be? It is! Colonel, that ninja is Gray Fox!
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Who?
SNAKE
You know, Frank. Me old mate Frank. Frankers.
NAOMI HUNTER
Oh yeah, didn’t you know? He updated his Facebook status last week from “single” to “ninja.” I thought everyone knew it was him.
SNAKE
I feel bad about booting him so viciously in the cock now.
SNAKE opens the CUPBOARD where EMMERICH has been HISING. He talks for ACTUALLY TWELVE HOURS about ANIME AND NUCLEAR BOMBS AND SUPERCOMPUTERS. Eventually, EMMERICH says he prefers to be called OTACON and that METAL GEAR can be DESTROYED BY USING NOT ONE BUT THREE PAL KEYS, and that there’s SOME TRICK TO USING THEM. He then GOES INVISIBLE using TECHNOLOGY and says he will stick around to HELP SNAKE LATER ON.
OTACON fails to realise that the best way to help SNAKE would be to GIVE HIM THE FUCKING INVISIBILITY CLOAK.
INT. NUCLEAR WARHEAD STORAGE BUILDING – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE is now CRAWLING AROUND LOOKING AT GUARDS’ ARSES (OR “GUARSES”), trying to identify which belongs to MERYL by using the MEMORY OF HER ARSE JIGGLING FROM EARLIER.
He turns a CORNER and examines one GUARSE using a MAGNIFYING GLASS. He then looks up at another GUARSE, this time with one of those MONOCULAR THINGS that people use when they’re examining DIAMONDS. Finally, he finds the GUARSE that belongs to MERYL. It waggles like TWO CHILDREN’S PARTY BALLOONS ARE TRYING TO BANG EACH OTHER INSIDE HER TROUSERS. MERYL notices SNAKE and runs off to the WOMAN’S BATHROOM. SNAKE follows.
SNAKE
Have you got the PAL key?
MERYL
I hid it where I knew nobody would look.
She takes out a CD of LIMP BIZKIT’S GREATEST HITS. Inside is the PAL KEY.
SNAKE
Otacon —
MERYL
The piss scientist?
SNAKE
Yeah, he said there was some trick to using the keys.
MERYL
Beats me. Whatever it is, I’m sure it won’t be boring and laborious.
(stares directly into camera)
Let’s go.
SNAKE
You’re not coming with me.
MERYL
I can do this, Snake. I know I’m not much of a soldier, but I can do this. I want to fight.
SNAKE
No. You’re too green.
MERYL
I am not! I’m mostly pink, and my hair is red. I can do this.
She takes out a DESERT EAGLE and RELOADS it.
SNAKE
Fine. Let’s fuck and roll.
INT. COMMANDER’S OFFICE – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
The THIN LITTLE GIMPY FELLA FROM EARLIER is floating around the ROOM. He is in fact PSYCHO MANTIS, one of the TERRORISTS and a PRACTITIONER OF TELEPATHY AND TELEKINESIS.
SNAKE
Fuck me. Look at this guy!
NAOMI HUNTER
It must be Psycho Mantis, FOXHOUND’s psychic!
SNAKE
Gee, you think?
MANTIS floats around for a bit and then finally STOPS in front of SNAKE.
PSYCHO MANTIS
I will read your mind!
(focuses)
Hmm, you are a highly skilled warrior. You are well suited to this stealth mission.
SNAKE
Damn skippy.
PSYCHO MANTIS
I see that — hang on. You prefer The Bends to OK Computer?
SNAKE
Well, I’m not totally sure, but —
PSYCHO MANTIS
Dude, that’s fucking crazy! OK Computer, you’ve got “Airbag,” “Subterranean Homesick Alien,” “Paranoid Android.”
SNAKE
Yeah, but there are a couple of duffers.
PSYCHO MANTIS
Yeah okay, so “Climbing Up The Walls” isn’t so great. But what’s The Bends got?
SNAKE
(is about to speak)
PSYCHO MANTIS
Fuck off, no no no. “Just” is not in the same league as anything off Computer. Absolutely no way.
SNAKE
I’m just saying —
PSYCHO MANTIS
Well, don’t. You’re just wrong, man. What else is in here? Ha! I prefer dark chocolate too, because with so much cocoa it tastes like —
SNAKE/PSYCHO MANTIS
(together)
— like double chocolate!
PSYCHO MANTIS
Ha, exactly. Now for my next trick I’m going to break the shit out of the fourth wall!
The SCREEN goes BLACK.
PSYCHO MANTIS
Ha! What do you think of that?
SNAKE
What’s going on?
PSYCHO MANTIS
Exactly. Now, watch THIS!
(focuses again)
You like to play Castlevania: Symphony of the Night!
SNAKE
Stop it!
PSYCHO MANTIS
I’m going to make your controller move!
(it does)
Bwa ha ha ha!
SNAKE
Oh my God, pack it in.
PSYCHO MANTIS
You can’t stop me! This is the nineties!
MANTIS focuses ONE MORE TIME. The CONTROLLER moves and the MEMORY CARD fucking catches FIRE. AUSTIN POWERS DVDs and the MONEY FOR NOTHING video and all the MOVIE REFERENCES IN PULP FICTION come flying towards SNAKE all at once. He is under attack from POST-MODERNISM.
PSYCHO MANTIS
And I’m going to hypnotise Meryl, just for the shit of it!
MERYL
(hypnotised)
Biggie Biggie Biggie, can’t you see/Sometimes your words just hypnotise me.
MERYL points her GUN at SNAKE. AGAIN.
MERYL
And I just love your flashy ways/Guess it’s why they broke and you so paid.
SNAKE panics and FUCKING LAYS MERYL OUT WITH A MASSIVE OVERHAND RIGHT. He realises that the only way to defeat ANNOYING, SMUG, EASY POST-MODERN CYNICAL BULLSHIT is to JUST IGNORE IT. SO RATHER THAN UNPLUGGING THE CONTROLLER AND PUTTING IT INTO THE SECOND PORT, which is how you ACTUALLY DEFEAT PSYCHO MANTIS, SNAKE just picks up MERYL, puts her in the SPECIAL BAG WHICH GAMES GIVE TO ALL MALE CHARACTERS TO PUT THEIR WOMEN IN, and WALKS OFF.
MANTIS sits down, dejected. The theme tune from THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR starts to play and he says something about STAR WARS or the films of GEORGE ROMERO. But before he can finish, SNAKE pops back in very quickly and PUTS A BULLET IN HIS HEAD, cutting short his INSUFFERABLE REFERENCING OF OTHER POP CULTURE AND TIRESOME FOURTH-WALL-BREAKING SHITE.
INT. CAVE
SNAKE and MERYL end up in a CAVE WITH A LOAD OF WOLVES. All the WOLVES CHUM UP TO MERYL like she’s QUEEN OF THE WOLVES. They HATE SNAKE THOUGH, until he gets one of them to DO A PISS ON A CARDBOARD BOX THAT HE HIDES INSIDE and then because he smells of WOLF URINE they DON’T MIND HIM SO MUCH.
MERYL
Hang on. Wolves. Wasn’t one of the terrorists called something like Sniper Wo–
SNIPER WOLF shoots MERYL right up her SWISHING, GAMEPLAY MECHANIC ARSE
MERYL
Ow! Now how are male gamers going to identify me?
SNAKE
(runs for cover)
Don’t move! Play dead! I think she has a gun!
MERYL
Snake, I —
(is shot again)
Ow! You fucking snipe bitch!
SNAKE
She definitely has a gun! No, she DEFINITELY has. Don’t move.
MERYL goes completely STILL. She doesn’t BLINK, barely BREATHES. All is silent for several moments and then SNIPER WOLF SHOOTS MERYL AGAIN.
MERYL
Oh come on!
COLONEL CAMPBELL
You are seriously ballsing this up.
NAOMI HUNTER
It must be Sniper Wolf, FOXHOUND’s best sharpshooter!
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Oh, sorry Snake. We’re being pulled over by the no shit police.
SNAKE
What should I do?
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Go back and get a sniper rifle. You can use it to return fire.
SNAKE
Can’t I just —
MERYL
(shot again)
Oooooow! Fucking ow!
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Go!
SNAKE
No but, wait a second. Can’t I just —
He pokes his TINY SILENCED SOCOM PISTOL around the CORNER from where he’s HIDING and fires a SINGLE WHISPER OF A SHOT. A few beats of silence FOLLOW.
SNIPER WOLF
(from a distance)
Argh!
SNAKE grins and struts out to collect MERYL, but he accidentally treads on one of the INVISIBLE LAND MINES WHICH WAS THERE ALL ALONG. The EXPLOSION knocks him UNCONSCIOUS. When he comes to, MERYL IS GONE.
He runs around LOOKING FOR HER, searching the entire MASSIVE ROOM. When he checks a LOCKED DOOR at the far end, SNAKE is AMBUSHED BY GUARDS.
GUARD
Don’t move!
SNAKE
Don’t move? Oh, you mean like this?
SNAKE starts to FUCKING WAVE HIS ARMS AND JUMP AROUND AND DANCE.
SNAKE
Is that what you mean, hm?
He’s STILL DOING IT, looking the GUARD straight in the EYE with a DEFIANT LOOK on his FACE. Then the GUARD SHOOTS HIM IN THE LEG.
SNAKE
Fucking heeeeeeeell!
SNIPER WOLF appears from behind the GUARDS. She has a BULLET WOUND IN HER SHOULDER.
SNIPER WOLF
Hurts, doesn’t it?
SNAKE
Sniper Wolf!
SNIPER WOLF
Actually you’re pronouncing it wrong. It’s not “Sniper.” It’s “Snipe A.” Snipe-A-Wolf. Yes, I snipe wolves. I fucking hate wolves. So I snipe them.
SNAKE
Where’s Meryl?
SNIPE-A-WOLF
She’s alive, but hurt. After you passed out, I shot her like a bunch more times. We have her now.
A GUARD cold cocks SNAKE in the side of the HEAD with a RIFLE BUTT.
GUARD
Take him away.
SNAKE
(woozy)
You do it to yourself, you do/And that’s what really hurts.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE is strapped to a MASSIVE WEIRD INTERROGRATION ELECTROCUTION FUCKING ARGH MACHINE. LIQUID SNAKE and REVOLVER OCELOT are nearby.
LIQUID SNAKE
(to Snake)
You really do look a lot like me. Your hair’s not as badass. But I prefer your eyes. They’re a bit bluer. Ocelot!
REVOLVER OCELOT
Yes, boss?
LIQUID SNAKE
Do you think his eyes are a bit bluer than mine?
REVOLVER OCELOT
I wouldn’t worry about it.
LIQUID SNAKE
I’m not saying I’m worried about it. I was just asking, are they bluer?
REVOLVER OCELOT
Yeah, they are.
LIQUID SNAKE
Right, that’s all I wanted to know. I’m not insecure about it, jeez.
REVOLVER OCELOT
I’m sorry, boss. They’re just a bit —
LIQUID SNAKE
Yes, I know! God, don’t go on about it.
LIQUID walks away. OCELOT addresses SNAKE, who is NAKED ABOVE THE WAIST.
REVOLVER OCELOT
Nice pecs.
SNAKE
I’ll never tell you how I got them.
REVOLVER OCELOT
No. The disc Baker gave you, where is it? Not the stupid post-modern fourth wall one, the proper one.
SNAKE
Nevurrr.
REVOLVER OCELOT
This machine has loads of electricity in it. In fact, it was voted “Machine With The Most Electricity In It 1997″ by readers of Electricity Machine magazine. If you don’t talk, I’m going to shove a load of electricity in ya. If you give in, I’ll leave you be, but I’ll kill Meryl instead. Not with this, though. I’ll probably just back over her with my car. It’s a Nissan.
SNAKE
I’ll never talk!
OCELOT goes to start up the MACHINE. SNAKE looks defiant, but because he wants to unlock the INVISIBILITY SUIT for his next PLAYTHROUGH, rather than the INFINITE AMMO BANDANA, SNAKE elects to GIVE UP IMMEDIATELY.
INT. HOLDING CELL – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SHIRTLESS SNAKE is lying around, looking FED UP. There’s a REALLY LONG CODEC CONVERSATION where he talks about KILLING BIG BOSS AND FIGHTING FRANK THE NINJA, and tells the COLONEL that OCELOT HAS THE DISC. Normally it would take AGES to SKIP THROUGH ALL THIS, because on the PS1 you have to PRESS TRIANGLE OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO RUSH EACH SENTENCE. Now we can just FUCK IT OFF IN THIS ONE PARAGRAPH.
In the corner of the HOLDING CELL is the ROTTING CORPSE OF THE DARPA CHIEF. It looks like he’s been DEAD FOR DAYS. Suddenly, OTACON enters in his INVISIBILITY ONESIE.
OTACON
I bought you some supplies. Food, a bottle of ketchup, and a handkerchief. I hope they help!
SNAKE
What am I supposed to do with these?!
OTACON
I don’t know. Maybe you can work out some way to escape.
SNAKE
Just get the key! Take out the guard!
SNAKE
Fuck that. I — ugh, what’s that smell?
SNAKE
(points to DARPA chief)
It’s him.
OTACON
Didn’t he only die a few hours ago?
SNAKE
What am I, a clock?
OTACON
Well, that’s all I can do. I’m sure you’ll work out a way to escape. See ya!
(goes invisible, runs off)
SNAKE
Thanks a lot, asshole!
SNAKE uses the ITEMS OTACON PROVIDED to ESCAPE. SOMEHOW.
INT. COMMUNICATIONS TOWER – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE has gone through more BACKTRACKING BULLSHIT to get back to WHERE HE WAS AMBUSHED by the GUARDS. He triigers an ALARM and there is a FORCED BIT OF ACTION where he has to RUN UP THE STAIRS OF THE COMMS TOWER while MACHINE GUNNING GUARDS FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES. He now probably wishes he’d gone for the BANDANA.
When he reaches TOP OF THE TOWER, the HIND D FROM EARLIER appears, piloted by LIQUID SNAKE.
SNAKE
Colonel, what’s a Russian gunship doing h–
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Run!
MISSILES and BULLETS come flying at SNAKE. BLOC PARTY’S “HELICOPTER” also starts to play loudly from SPEAKERS ATTACHED TO THE HELICOPTER. The song continues for this WHOLE SCENE.
SNAKE grabs a ROPE and ABSEILS down the side of the COMMS TOWER while being shot at. Because METAL GEAR SOLID is now FUCKING PITFALL OR MEGAMAN OR SOME SHIT, SNAKE also has to dodge STEAM COMING OUT OF PIPES.
He makes it to the GROUND and the HELICOPTER FLIES OFF. SNAKE ends up on an OUTDOOR WALKWAY. He runs forward and the HELICOPTER APPEARS ONCE AGAIN, THE MUSIC EVEN LOUDER NOW.
LIQUID SNAKE
Snaaaaaaaake!
LIQUID shoots EVEN MORE MISSILES AND BULLETS at SNAKE, who DODGES THEM ALL. PISSED OFF, LIQUID winds down the WINDOW to the HELICOPTER and throws an EMPTY BOTTLE, but SNAKE runs through an AUTOMATIC DOOR, which CLOSES BEHIND HIM, THE BOTTLE BOUNCING OFF.
MEI LING
Remember Snake, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
SNAKE
Uh, thanks.
SNAKE runs to the ROOF of the OTHER COMMS TOWER. The HELICOPTER APPEARS AGAIN.
LIQUID SNAKE
Brother!
SNAKE
Why are you calling me brother?
LIQUID SNAKE
Jesus dude.
(draws air circles around his face)
Look in a fucking mirror once in a while.
The HELICOPTER’S MACHINE GUNS open up. SNAKE dives for COVER and gets on the CODEC.
SNAKE
Master! I need help!
The image of MASTER MILLER comes through FUZZY.
MASTER MILLER
Erm, hang on a second.
In the COCKPIT of the HELICOPTER, LIQUID is trying to get his DISGUISE on: SUNGLASSES, T-SHIRT, HAIR TIED BACK.
MASTER MILLER
Just one second.
While fumbling with the SHADES, LIQUID starts to lose control of the HELICOPTER.
MASTER MILLER
Just — oh for fuck’s sake!
With the T-SHIRT wrapped around his HEAD, LIQUID doesn’t realise he’s accidentally steering the HELICOPTER directly towards the GROUND. He finally gets the DISGUISE on.
MASTER MILLER
Snake, this is Miller. How can I —
The HELICOPTER CRASHES into the FLOOR. The CODEC goes completely FUZZY. SNAKE hangs up and looks down at the BURNING HELICOPTER WRECKAGE.
SNAKE
That takes care of whatever that was.
He leaves the ROOF and runs back down the inside of the COMMS TOWER. Eventually he gets to an ELEVATOR, buzzes it and walks inside.
INT. ELEVATOR – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
Despite containing only SNAKE, the ELEVATOR’S WEIGHT LIMIT WARNING goes off. Perplexed, SNAKE receives a CODEC CALL from his LITERAL INVISIBLE FRIEND, OTACON.
OTACON
Snake, about that elevator.
SNAKE uses this time alone to unbutton his TROUSERS and scratch his ARSE AND BALLS A BIT.
SNAKE
It called me fat.
OTACON
I had five of these stealth suits, which I really should’ve mentioned earlier. So I went back to my lab to get you one, but they were missing.
SNAKE is checking down the front of his BOXERS. He flops his NOB out and adjusts it. The breath of FOUR INVISIBLE PEOPLE is just barely noticeable in the air of the ELEVATOR.
SNAKE
Yeah, why didn’t they give me a stealth suit to start with? I mean, they knew this was a sneaking mission.
He carries on fiddling with his NOB AND BALLS, tucking them into his TROUSERS.
OTACON
Snake, I don’t think this is the time to get into that.
SNAKE
I mean, they could have given me one. Just one!
OTACON
Snake, lis–
SNAKE
That’s all I wanted. A bit of invisibility. You all got one. Why didn’t I get one? I needed one the most!
OTACON
Snake, look. I agree with you. But I think the guys who stole my stealth prototypes are in there with you!
SNAKE, his HAND still down his TROUSERS, looks SHOCKED, TERRIFIED.
VOICE
Yeah, look. We were gonna ambush you but I think we’re just gonna go. Come on guys.
They all start SHUFFLING OUT while SNAKE is stood RAMROD STILL.
SNAKE
Guys, I’m sorry. I just, I thought I was alone, you know?
(beat)
Guys, come on. We’ve all got one.
The last one out presses the BUTTON to close the ELEVATOR DOOR behind him.
OTACON
Sorry, Snake. I should have said.
SNAKE
It doesn’t matter.
SNAKE inches his HAND out of his TROUSERS.
EXT. SNOW-COVERED FIELD – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE is walking along, THINKING ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED, when he notices the BODIES OF SEVERAL WOLVES ALL AROUND HIM.
SNAKE
Oh shit.
A SNIPER ROUND strikes SNAKE right in the ARM. As he runs for COVER, his CODEC rings. It’s SNIPE-A-WOLF, because apparently everyone has SNAKE’S FUCKING PHONE NUMBER.
SNIPE-A-WOLF
I’ve got you right where I want you!
SNAKE
Nuh uh! I’m hiding.
SNIPE-A-WOLF
You can’t stay there forever.
SNAKE
Neither can you!
SNIPE-A-WOLF
On the contrary, I’ve got a share bag of Revels and all of Forensic Files on boxset. Do your worst.
SNAKE panics for a second but then remembers that he has a MISSILE LAUNCHER THAT FIRES REMOTE CONTROLLED ROCKETS and so this WOULD-BE INTENSE SNIPER DUEL turns into SNAKE just slowly EASING RC BOMBS INTO SNIPE-A-WOLF’S FACE. She DIES and there’s this WHOLE SCENE where OTACON says he LOVES HER and has a go at SNAKE FOR BEING INTO WAR AND GUNS AND THAT.
OTACON
I love her. You shouldn’t be into war and guns and that.
You know, THAT KIND OF SHIT. It ends with SNAKE walking away, off to destroy METAL GEAR.
SNAKE
Metal Gear?
Yes, METAL GEAR. Before he leaves, OTACON fires him a question.
OTACON
What was she fighting for? What are you fighting for? What am I fighting for?
SNAKE
The baby Jesus.
(walks away mannishly)
INT. SUPPLY BUILDING – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE descends some STAIRS, more determined than ever to destroy METAL GEAR and END THIS. All of a sudden the SCREEN goes BLACK and the TITLE comes up. Since this is 1998, it is time to CHANGE DICS. The majority of YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN playing THIS GAME carefully press the BLUE BUTTON on their PLAYSTATIONS, open the lid and INSERT DISC TWO. A few POOR FUCKERS accidentally press the GREEN POWER BUTTON and LOSE ALL THEIR PROGRESS SINCE THE LAST SAVE.
SNAKE ends up in a HUGE ROOM FULL OF MOLTEN METAL. He SICK PUNKS a few GUARDS and then does this ANNOYING ASS PLATFORMING SHIT to get across one of the LAVA PITS. He then boards a big ELEVATOR with loads of RAVENS ON IT. Surprising absolutely NO ONE, VULCAN RAVEN comes stomping round the CORNER carrying a GUN THAT IS BIGGER THAN FUCKING CANADA.
VULCAN RAVEN
In the Eskimo-Inuit Olympics, there is an event called the ear pull. Two contestants sit down and pull on each other’s ears. It is a test of strength, endurance and who has the best ears.
SNAKE
You want to pull each other’s ears?
VULCAN RAVEN
Ha ha. You are a funny man. No, we will fight like warriors.
SNAKE
Pull this.
He grabs his CROTCH, then shoots RAVEN and runs away.
VULCAN RAVEN
You asked for it. This is Raven’s territo–
He is trying to turn around, still carrying the MASSIVE GUN. It’s so large it’s gotten WEDGED BETWEEN TWO METAL CRATES.
VULCAN RAVEN
Raven’s territory. Oh come on!
He is really struggling with the GUN. He accidentally pulls on the TRIGGER and the MASSIVE THING starts firing BULLETS EVERYWHERE. They hit a few of the RAVENS that have gathered AROUND THE ROOM.
VULCAN RAVEN
Shit guys, I’m sorry.
They all fly at him and start PECKING HIS BALD HEAD.
VULCAN RAVEN
I said I’m sorry! Ow! Fuck off!
As he tries to get them away, SNAKE creeps up from behind, jumps on his BACK and starts PULLING HIS EARS.
SNAKE
Is this what you wanted, bitch?
VULCAN RAVEN
Argh! Shit! You’re good.
SNAKE
And you’re a twat!
(pulls Raven’s ear open)
Did you hear me? I said you’re a twat!
RAVEN unclips the BIG GUN, reaches BEHIND HIM and starts PULLING SNAKE’S EAR.
SNAKE
Agh! You fuck, that hurts!
VULCAN RAVEN
Told you.
The both GRIT THEIR TEETH and slowly SLINK TO THE FLOOR PULLING EACH OTHER’S EARS. They each PULL AS HARD AS THEY CAN and ROLL AROUND, pulling and swearing and GENERALLY HAVING AN EAR FIGHT.
SNAKE
Hey, ow! Hey! Want to hear a joke?
VULCAN RAVEN
Soon you will die. But please, funny man, do as you will.
SNAKE
How can, argh! How can trains hear anything?
VULCAN RAVEN
Ha ha. I do not know.
SNAKE
Because they have enginEARS!
As he delivers that PUNCHLINE, SNAKE pulls RAVEN’S EAR CLEAN OFF HIS HEAD. RAVEN lets go of SNAKE’S EAR and reels back in PAIN. SNAKE uses the opportunity to SHOOT THE SHITTING BALLS OUT OF RAVEN and he CRUMPLES OVER, DEFEATED.
VULCAN RAVEN
Before I die, I will give you one last secret. The man you saw die before your eyes? That was not the DARPA chief.
SNAKE
What?
VULCAN RAVEN
That was Decoy Octopus, master of disguise. He posed as the DARPA chief, copying everything about him, down to the blood. But he forgot one detail! Although the DARPA chief did indeed love Vampire Weekend, he much preferred their first, self-titled album released in 2008. By listening to the follow-up, Contra, Octopus was unable to fool the angel of death.
The RAVENS come back and EAT VULCAN RAVEN UNTIL HE’S ALL DISAPPEARED. Then they all THROW UP A BIT, because he was MASSIVE.
INT. METAL GEAR HANGAR – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE walks in and sees METAL GEAR in front of him.
SNAKE
Metal Gear! Oh man! Metal Gear! There it is! That’s Metal Gear!
ALRIGHT, DON’T MILK IT. SNAKE climbs up and SEES LIQUID SNAKE and REVOLVER OCELOT talking in the CONTROL ROOM about how they’re going to LIVE ON THE BASE FROM NOW ON AND BLOW UP CHINA AND A BUNCH OF OTHER EVIL SHIT. LIQUID has somehow SURVIVED THE HELICOPTER CRASH. However, the LITTLE AIR FRESHENER that he had in the COCKPIT has gotten LODGED IN HIS FOREHEAD.
REVOLVER OCELOT
Aren’t you going to take that out?
LIQUID SNAKE
It makes my face smell nice.
SNAKE sneaks into the ROOM after they’ve left and is about to INSERT THE PAL KEY when OCELOT SHOOTS HIS HAND AND HE ACCIDENTALLY DROPS IT INTO A DRAINAGE DITCH.
He goes back DOWNSTAIRS and wades through the DITCH. When he can’t find the KEY, he calls OTACON, probably unsure HOW THE FUCK HE’S GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS ONE.
SNAKE
Something went wrong, I don’t want to fucking talk about it, but the key is in a drainage ditch somewhere and I can’t find it.
OTACON
In the drainage ditch? Hmm, a rat must have eaten it. Use your motion tracker and see if you can trap it.
SNAKE
This is a fucking nightmare.
SNAKE spends A WHILE looking for the RAT which has EATEN THE PAL KEY.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Snake, did you stop Metal Gear yet?
SNAKE
As it happens, no, I didn’t, because a rat has the key.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
We have a traitor in our midst?
SNAKE
No, I mean, an actual rat has eaten the key.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Right.
(hangs up)
SNAKE eventually corners the RAT. It is sat up against a WALL, wearing a LITTLE BIB with PAL KEY CRUMBS on it. It is ASLEEP and has its hand on its BIG BELLY. SNAKE, not taking any chances, quickly GUNS IT TO DEATH with his FAMAS RIFLE. It drops the PAL KEY.
OTACON
Nice work, Snake! And hey! I figured out the secret to using the keys!
SNAKE
Oh yeah?
OTACON
All you need to do is backtrack for a fucking eternity!
SNAKE BACKTRACKS for a FUCKING ETERNITY and is then contacted by NAOMI HUNTER.
NAOMI HUNTER
Snake, I’ve got a shitload of twists to drop on you.
SNAKE
Oh okay, hang on.
He pulls up a CHAIR, puts his FEET up on a CARDBOARD BOX and folds his ARMS.
SNAKE
Okay, off you go.
NAOMI HUNTER
It’s about Fox Dennis. We didn’t think you’d actually fall for it, but the Colonel and I just used him to hide the fact that — you know those heart attacks those guys had? They weren’t a coincidence. We needed a contingency plan, so we injected you with a drug called FoxDie. It targets specific genetic codes. We programmed it to attack each of the terrorists you came into contact with. Also, if you ever meet Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day, it’ll kill him too.
SNAKE
But why?
NAOMI HUNTER
He’s just annoying.
SNAKE
No, why didn’t you tell me?
NAOMI HUNTER
We were under orders from —
Just then, the COLONEL FUCKING BEEFS IN AND KNOCKS NAOMI THE FUCK OUT.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Ignore all that shit, Snake. She’s off her arse on vodka. See?
(holds up empty bottle)
SNAKE
That’s Smirnoff Ice, Colonel! That’s an alcopop! You’d need at least thirty of those to get wankered! Stop lying to me!
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Okay fine, it’s all true. Dennis doesn’t look like a fox and you are full of poison. You’re like a fucking cyanide piñata.
SNAKE
Colonel, I can’t believe —
As NAOMI is being DRAGGED OFF, she SHOUTS from the OTHER ROOM.
NAOMI HUNTER
And the ninja is my brother!
SNAKE
Oh my God! Are you fucking kidding? This is mental!
LIQUID SNAKE
And I was Master Miller all along!
SNAKE
What?
COLONEL CAMPBELL
I’m sorry, Snake.
SNAKE
Oh, just forget it. Jeez. Next you’ll be telling me you’re not even a colonel.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Uhm, well —
SNAKE just hangs up, incredulous.
INT. METAL GEAR CONTROL ROOM – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE is entering the FINAL PAL KEY, except in NORTH AMERICA it’s the NTSC KEY. As it slides in, a ROBOTIC VOICE SOUNDS OVER THE PA.
VOICE
PAL code number three: accepted. Metal Gear is now activated.
SNAKE
Fucking what?
VOICE
You have been played, motherfucker. Goodbye.
LIQUID SNAKE
Bwa ha ha ha! Got ya!
SNAKE
What the hell is going on?
LIQUID SNAKE
Oh you are a fucking DUNCE, Snake! We’ve been tricking you this whole time! The PAL keys were never meant to disarm Metal Gear, they were meant to activate it! You’ve been helping us all along.
SNAKE
You are shitting my balls.
LIQUID SNAKE
No, for real. Plus, you’re a clone of Big Boss. And I’m your brother.
SNAKE
This is a hell of a day for me, huh?
LIQUID SNAKE
Ha! It sure is.
LIQUID climbs inside the NOW ACTIVATED METAL GEAR.
LIQUID SNAKE
Now, brother! It is time to —
SNAKE
Whoa, can you just give me a fucking second? I mean for real, can you just fucking back off? Because that’s a lot to take on board.
LIQUID SNAKE
Oh don’t be such a bitch, dude.
SNAKE
I ain’t being a fucking bitch, man, all right? Christ, imagine you just found that shit out. How would you feel?
LIQUID SNAKE
I’d just get on with it.
SNAKE
Oh as if. Look at you with your fucking floppy blonde hair. You’d be all like “ugh, my feelings.” Jesus dude, just because you’re in a big robot doesn’t mean you’re tougher than me.
LIQUID SNAKE
You saying I’m a pussy?
SNAKE
I’m just saying I need a fucking second, all right? Jeez.
SNAKE ponders. LIQUID impatiently taps his thumbs on the METAL GEAR DASHBOARD.
SNAKE
The whole time I was just helping you guys out?
LIQUID SNAKE
Uh-huh.
SNAKE
Fucking hell. And Big Boss is my, sorry, OUR dad?
LIQUID SNAKE
That’s what I said.
SNAKE
Jesus. That’s really knocked me for six, seriously.
LIQUID SNAKE
Yeah, I get that. But can we —
SNAKE
Yeah yeah, sure. I’m sorry. I’ll deal with all this later. Yeah. Let’s do this.
SNAKE clenches his FISTS and JOGS ON THE SPOT.
SNAKE
Grrrr! Yep, I’m ready.
LIQUID SNAKE
Okay.
(breathes in)
Brother!
SNAKE
Liquid!
LIQUID SNAKE
It’s time to see who is the strongest of Big Boss’s children after all!
INT. METAL GEAR HANGER – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
SNAKE looks tiny in front of the gigantic METAL GEAR. As LIQUID TAUNTS and STICKS HIS HAND OUT THE LITTLE WINDOW of METAL GEAR’S COCKPIT TO FLIP SNAKE THE BIRD, METAL GEAR unleashes a VOLLEY OF MISSILES AND BULLETS. SNAKE dodges them, but he is INCREDIBLY OUTMATCHED.
MEI LING
Snake!
SNAKE
(backflipping)
Yes, what is it?
(dodges explosion)
MEI LING
Remember what Confucius said!
SNAKE
(running between gunfire)
OH MY GOD WHAT?
MEI LING
“To disable Metal Gear, one must fire a stinger missile into its radar dome.”
SNAKE is BACK IN THE FIGHT. He targets the RADAR DOME using a STINGER and launches a MISSILE DIRECTLY INTO IT. LIQUID screams from inside the COCKPIT and METAL GEAR SEEMS TO BE DESTROYED.
SNAKE
Ha! More like Metal Quee–
METAL GEAR suddenly SPRINGS BACK INTO LIFE and is about to STOMP SNAKE WITH ITS MASSIVE METAL DOC MARTEN’S when the NINJA, FRANK, GRAY FOX, WHATEVER, JUMPS IN THE WAY and HOLDS THE METAL FOOT UP USING HIS SUPER DUPER STRENGTH.
NINJA
Run, Snake!
SNAKE doesn’t need to be told twice and FUCKING LEGS IT behind a BIG BOX. The NINJA throws off METAL GEAR and FOLLOWS.
SNAKE
It was you wasn’t it?
NINJA
What?
SNAKE
The voice, with the electric floor. Debbie Does Dallas.
NINJA
Ha. You always were a clever one, Snake. Now, I’ll do you one last favour. I’ll fuck that robot UP!
SNAKE
Wait!
He’s OFF AGAIN, CUTTING, CUTTING, CUTTING with his NINJA SWORD, CUTTING LIKE FUCKING PAUL OAKENFOLD ON A SATURDAY NIGHT AT PRIVILEGE. But it’s NOT ENOUGH and eventually LIQUID CORNERS HIM and treads on him and SQUASHES him, turning him into NINJA JAM or “NINJAM.”
The fight between SNAKE and METAL GEAR continues. SNAKE pumps it full of STINGER MISSILES and it SHOOTS LOADS OF BULLETS AT HIM and EVERYONE PLAYING THIS BIT IS FUCKING HYPED AS SHIT. Eventually, SNAKE fires a MISSILE directly into the COCKPIT. LIQUID is KNOCKED OUT AND METAL GEAR IS DESTROYED.
SNAKE
Ha! More like Metal Quee–
LIQUID sneaks up on SNAKE and KNOCKS HIM OUT. When he comes to, LIQUID has dragged him ON TOP OF METAL GEAR. They are now BOTH SHIRTLESS FOR SOME REASON. FUCK SHIRTS, I GUESS. Lying on the GROUND off to the side is THE UNCONSCIOUS FORM OF MERYL. She is TIED UP and strapped to a BOMB.
SNAKE
Meryl!
LIQUID SNAKE
I have activated the bomb’s countdown timer! If you want to disarm it and save her, you’ll have to beat me before it explodes. But any second, this base is going to be destroyed by Air Force bombers.
SNAKE
What?
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Oh yeah, forgot to mention. Soz, boz.
SNAKE is on his feet. LIQUID adopts a FIGHTING STANCE.
LIQUID SNAKE
Have at you, Snake.
SNAKE just charges and PUSHES THAT FUCKING FANNY RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF METAL GEAR because THIS IS NO TIME FOR BULLSHIT. He then UNTIES MERYL.
MERYL
Snake?
SNAKE
We need to get out of here, fucking PRONTO. Get off your fascinating arse and let’s bumble.
MERYL
Hold on there. You gave up to the torture, didn’t you?
SNAKE
Let’s not point fingers at who did what.
MERYL
You gave up and were gonna let them kill me just so you could go invisible next time, didn’t you?
SNAKE
Let’s not play the blame game.
MERYL
Unbelievable.
SNAKE puts his HAND out to help her down off of METAL GEAR.
SNAKE
You know what? Just fuck off. I’ll do it myself.
OTACON
Snake, did you do it?
SNAKE
Metal Gear is destroyed.
OTACON
It’s — wow. I just meant, did you put the keys in yet. Good work.
SNAKE
Meryl and I are getting out of here.
OTACON
Way ahead of you. I left just after you killed Snipe-A-Wolf. I’m back home now.
SNAKE
Really? Well, listen, we should —
OTACON
Yeah, we’ll catch up, but right now I’ve a date with a hot bath. Later, Snaker.
INT. GARAGE – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
There are several PARKED JEEPS WITH MACHINE GUNS MOUNTED ON THE BACK. SNAKE is being CHOOSY.
SNAKE
Meh, this one’s a bit —
He does this “HALF AND HALF” GESTURE with his HAND.
SNAKE
And this is the kind of thing the Colonel would drive.
MERYL
What about this one?
MERYL points to a JEEP which has SN4K1N’ on its PERSONALISED LICENSE PLATE.
SNAKE
Too obvious.
A bunch of GUARDS RUN IN and START SHOOTING.
SNAKE
Oh fine, we’ll just go with this one.
SNAKE and MERYL jump into the JEEP and SPEED OFF.
INT. SERVICE ENTRANCE – SHADOW MOSES ISLAND
MERYL is DRVING while SNAKE is on the MACHINE GUN. He SHOOTS A FEW GUARDS and they SMASH THROUGH SOME CHECKPOINTS. Suddenly, another JEEP containing none other than LIQUID SNAKE pulls up alongside. He’s blaring NELLY’S “RIDE WIT ME” out of his SPEAKERS.
LIQUID SNAKE
Snaaaaaaaaaake!
LIQUID SNAKE
Liquid!
As the MUSIC continues, they SHOOT AT EACH OTHER.
MERYL
We’re gonna crash!
The TWO JEEPS COLLIDE, SMASH, ROLL DOWN THE TUNNEL. They come to a rest on a SNOWY MOUNTAIN RIDGE overlooking the ALASKAN TUNDRA. BOTH JEEPS are upside down, totalled.
SNAKE
I can’t move!
MERYL
Me either!
LIQUID SNAKE
Snaaaaaaaake!
SNAKE
Oh, piss-Tuesday.
LIQUID staggers into view, brandishing a RIFLE.
LIQUID SNAKE
Time to die, Snake!
Before he can PULL THE TRIGGER, LIQUID CLUTCHES HIS CHEST and SINKS TO THE FLOOR.
LIQUID SNAKE
Fox Dennis! I mean, FoxDie!
LIQUID tries his best to STAY ALIVE, but CAN’T, so FUCK HIM. He collapses, DEAD.
MERYL
Wow, that was really close. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack.
SNAKE
Ha ha ha, heart attacks.
They both LAUGH and finally struggle free of the JEEP.
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Good work, Snake. You did it.
SNAKE
What about the jets?
COLONEL CAMPBELL
Oh, I just made that up for a laugh. Should have seen your face.
SNAKE and MERYL climb onto a SNOW-SKI.
MERYL
(points)
Hey, what’s that?
SNAKE
It’s a caribou. This time of the year they come out onto the tundra to find a mate. Liquid told me that when he was masquerading as a gardener.
MERYL
So why is that one by itself?
SNAKE
No idea. Must be a fuck ugly caribou, I guess. You ready to go?
MERYL
Sure. But Snake, what’s your name?
SNAKE
Snake.
MERYL
No, your real name!
SNAKE
Oh, it’s David. David Snake. Now let’s get out of here.
They speed off on the SNOW-SKI together, bumping carelessly into the CARIBOU IN THE PROCESS. There’s some BULLSHIT TEXT ABOUT NUKES AND GENES, AND THEN THE CREDITS ROLL.
When the TITLE OF THE GAME comes into view, the voice of REVOLVER OCELOT chimes in on a PHONE CALL.
REVOLVER OCELOT
Yes, I have recovered the Metal Gear testing data. No, Snake, the scientist and the woman all made it off the base. No, my cover remains intact. Nobody knows who I’m really working for. We can finally restore the legacy of Big Boss.
THE OTHER VOICE on the PHONE is only FAINTLY AUDIBLE.
REVOLVER OCELOT
No. Despite a few holes, contrivances and lots of terrible, terrible dialogue, the story remains more or less cogent. Yes, with everything now set for several sequels, I’m sure we can change that. This franchise is about to become completely unfathomable and dreadful. Yes of course, I will continue my work for the organisation. Yes, thank you. Goodbye —
(beat)
Mr. Kojima.
DRAMATIC MUSIC swells.
END