If you want a car review written by a six-year-old, then you’re in luck. “This is the best car in the world!” exclaims my eldest son of the BMW 7 series. And that’s that. Six-year-olds aren’t overly verbose. They are, however, easily impressed and prone to being fickle. Was it the fine blend of battery and ICE powertrains in this, the BMW M760e that so impressed him? The vast swathes of fine leather? The hugely impressive Bowers & Wilkins Diamond audio? The ambient lighting and sky lounge? Er, no. It was the 31” flatscreen that drops from the roof. The ability to watch videos of other people playing computer games (why do kids do that?) on the move was what swung it.
The theatre screen is undoubtedly a showstopper. It also makes the rear of the BMW 7 series nicer than your living room. Does your sofa recline, then offer a choice of massages along with heating and ventilation? Perhaps if you can afford a BMW 7 series, it does.
With England Test wins in India being as rare as hens’ teeth, I found myself sneaking out to the car for a bit of peace and quiet to watch the action in Hyderabad unfold. Grab a coffee, head out to your own drive and watch a bit of cricket. It was lovely. It’s a shame BMW didn’t lend me the car for the whole series. I wasn’t disagreeing with my son’s analysis. Not sure what the neighbours thought, mind. “Did that bloke just get in the back of that car with a mug of coffee?” “Yeah, he did.” “He hasn’t got out, yet.” “What is he up to?”
Anyway, the BMW M760e is more than just a mobile living room. At least if you’re the one doing the driving.
At 5.39m long and 2.19m wide, the BMW 7 series isn’t for the feint hearted. Put simply, it won’t fit in most parking spaces. We went to Nottingham and the hotel we stayed in had a small multi-story car park. There were spaces available, but it was the sort of miserable car park that was apologetically built when everyone drove Austin Metros. You could get in a space, but that meant you could then not exit the car. You’d also be massively overhanging the space. Even with impressive self-parking functionality, the BMW 7 series needs plenty of space.
My dad got in and declared it an SUV. Which I baulked at. Until I parked it next to my neighbour’s Audi e-tron, which you’d refer to as an SUV. The BMW 7 series is the same height. So, it’s not small.
The upshot of the sheer scale of this thing is comfort. There’s space for executive rear seating and a 31” TV. There’s space for a cavernous boot, a battery and an engine. There are several compartments for stowing items away. And there are USB-C sockets everywhere.
The BMW 7 series is an ocean of luxury. It’s the best appointed cabin this side of a Rolls-Royce. Everything feels expensive to the touch and there are no obvious cheap or weak spots. The auto-opening and closing doors work a treat and it’s all but impossible to open your door into the side of a wall or another car. Handy if you’ve shelled out £2500 for the frozen pure grey paint.
The iDrive 8.5 system works impressively. There are arguably too many apps in it, with some replication in functionality that could be addressed, but it’s intuitive and easy to use, with a choice of touchscreen or rotary dial.
This heft of the BMW 7 series, however, is scarcely noticeable on the road. The BMW 7 series silently and serenely floats along. It suspends all sense of motion, with the head up display being a handy reminder on motorway jaunts. You’re often going a lot quicker than you realise. It’s a similar sensation in the back, with no real idea of speed.
You might think it’s a car to be driven in, rather than a car to drive. If you are in possession of the keys, you haven’t drawn the short straw. The luxury doesn’t end in the rear. You get heated and ventilated massage seats, heated arm rests (including door card) and access to 563bhp and 800Nm of torque. This behemoth ain’t slow. 0-62mph takes 4.3secs. Now, your living room definitely can’t do that.
You have to hold the lefthand paddle down to access boost mode, but then the BMW M760e heads for the horizon with great haste. It has absolutely no business being this fast. It makes motorway driving purposeful yet serene; the waft of power is only ever a slight compression of the throttle away.
You might think you’d miss the V12 of yesteryear. Who wouldn’t? Yet the 3.0-litre inline six engine, combined with a 22.1kWh battery, performs superbly. These luxury limos are well suited to electrification and the silent battery-only running is wonderful. Handily, the BMW M760e, as tested here, is the same as BMW’s i7 in terms of appearance and layout. If you want EV, the i7 won’t disappoint.
Economy is surprisingly good, too. Across 465 miles, I achieved 37mpg. I charged the battery once and didn’t trouble my local petrol station attendant. Running on battery only, you can expect to achieve around 1.8 miles p/kWh, meaning an electric-only range of high 30s.
The great thing about the BMW 7 series is that it entirely removes stress from the equation. On a two-hour commute into west London, stuck in Putney, I didn’t care. Select a new massage setting and relax. The Bowers & Wilkins Diamond Surround Sound audio system deserves another mention here. It’s up there with the Mark Levinson system deployed by Lexus, sitting just beneath Rolls-Royce Bespoke Audio for quality. There are speakers in the headrest and subwoofers in the seats. It’s a box that must be ticked.
It also contributes to the overall ambiance of the BMW 7 series. Everything about it feels well thought out and perfectly executed. The only flaws are arguably subjective, but the looks suit the car, too.
The law of diminishing returns, if we apply it to cars, might reach the top of the curve with the BMW 7 series. At £146,000, it’s not cheap. But you could spend a lot more still on a Bentley, then a Rolls-Royce. In return, you won’t get much more.
The Ultimate Pack, as fitted to the test car, weighs in at £23,100. The BMW M760e starts at £121,085. If you’re going down this route, however, executive seating, massage functionality all round and sportscar speed are the order of the day. You’d always regret not having that theatre screen, especially when the kids are fighting in the back. I’ve never heard mine so quiet in the car.
Would you agree with my six-year-old son? In this section of market, it’s hard to argue with. The BMW 7 series is a car that you’ll just enjoy being in. Sitting on your drive watching cricket, stuck in traffic in Putney or cruising along the M1, it’s like an extension of your house.
