Satire

By Tom Moore Racists up and down the UK are today unsure what to think as the reality of ‘being free to negotiate deals with nations around the world’ becomes apparent. There was an assumption amongst the racists that ‘other nations’ meant the US and Canada and possibly one or two South American countries, but the whiter ones like Argentina. Theresa May has been spending time in Saudi Arabia and Qatar recently with the intention of securing partnerships and trade...

Brextieers who are revelling in turning back the clock, in the UK, to the past, have now moved onto ruining the practice of medicine. Maggie Selby, 75, said: “Before the EU came in, if we had a problem, a bit of bloodletting would cure it in no time. “Feeling ill? Well you’ve got too much blood inside you obviously, get that body cut open and let some of that infected blood out. “Then all this health and safety came in...

World renowned artist Gaudi, has told Bocabella, he can build a church inspired by one at the Vatican, in Barcelona, over two years. Even quicker as he has to use his own subcontractors to do it. Many people have said it would take many years to ensure every hand crafted piece of Gothic and Art Nouveau forms are perfectly entwined, and work in perfect synergy. There were also some concerns that the four domed structures, that will hold it together,...

By Tom Moore Wile E. Cayote has today predicted his company, famous for making ridiculous contraptions that backfire spectacularly, has a bright future in post Brexit Britain. Acme Inc became a global brand in the 50s and 60s with best sellers such as rocket powered roller skates, bat-suits, invisible paint and earthquake pills. Sales began to dip towards the end of the century as the public’s appetite for products that blew up in your face began to wane. However Wile...

By Tom Moore Telecoms watchdog Ofcom have been unable to get through to BT to notify them of their financial penalty as it can’t remember its landline number and was left on hold for 8 hours. Ofcom have been attempting to contact BT since Friday to let them know it is liable to pay a £42m fine and £300m in compensation for delayed high speed cable installations. However, several attempts on Friday to contact BT proved unsuccessful after Ofcom were...

80s TV "legend" Timmy Mallett has told reporters he is made up to be given the job as War Correspondent at the Times. He hopes his colourful glasses, loud shirts, and giant pink foam mallet, will be fantastic camouflage to hide from snipers in war-torn countries. When compared to George Osborne’s’ appointment as Editor of the Evening Standard he said defensively: “At least have done a bit of student radio, I’ve heard rumours that Gideon had other past times at...

By Tom Moore Wayne Rooney surprised the audience at the Academy Awards last night after appearing on stage to collect the Oscar for Best Picture on behalf of Moonlight Director Barry Jenkins, despite not playing any part in the film. Rooney, dressed as a young black man growing up in Miami held the Oscar aloft and celebrated another trophy to add to his cabinet. Some took to Twitter to question why Rooney was collecting the trophy ahead of the man who...

By Tom Moore NASA’s Spitzer space telescope has discovered the first evidence of primitive life forms similar to that found on earth 3 billion years ago Traces of the life forms were found in the ‘uninhabitable zone’ of Staffordshire, known as Stoke-on-Trent. The life forms all share a similar trait - a purple and yellow badge positioned where the heart is usually found in humans. Studies reveal the life forms appear to exist in some kind of hierarchical structure, with...

By Tom Moore The Bank of England have today confirmed the new £10 note will commemorate the EU referendum result by immediately plummeting in value to £8.60. The note, made entirely of foie gras, will enter circulation in September and is set to save the government around £4 billion. A spokesperson for the Central Bank said: “Look we needed to do something. It was either that or raise interest rates and, let’s face it, that’s not going to happen is...