Satire
Satire is a comedy entertainment section that vices, follies, highlights shortcomings and ridicules, with the intent of shaming individuals, corporations, government or society itself, into improvement. Nothing in this section should be seen as factual and is for entertainment purposes only.
Carpenters respond to Westminster calls to fix a broken cabinet
Tory aides were left red faced yesterday after a team of joiners turned up at Westminster in response to concerns over a broken cabinet. Local carpentry firm Got Wood? answered an emergency DIY call-out after frenzied parliamentarians expressed dismay over a crumbling executive branch. A memo went out shortly after Michael Gove was caught playing a Game of Thrones quiz on his phone saying: “Help urgently required. Cabinet falling apart – Apply to 10 Downing St asap. (don’t bring tools...
Turkey considers releasing captive journalists to help get to bottom of Saudi mystery
Turkish president Recep Erdoğan is considering releasing some of the hundreds of journalists it holds captive in order to resolve the case of the missing Saudi reporter. Jamal Khashoggi vanished on 2 October after visiting the Saudi consulate in Turkey, a disappearance that is shrouded in mystery. And now Erdoğan, a long-standing bastion of the free press, is considering calling on the help of the journalists he has imprisoned in order to get to the bottom of it. Thanks to...
Marina Wheeler pushes for hard Jexit
Marina Wheeler is pushing for a hard Jexit following her split from Boris Johnson. The lawyer told reporters that "divorce means divorce" after it was confirmed the married couple of 25 years were to separate. She cited red tape, outside interference and a more prosperous future outside the union as the main motivation for the split, as well as a £350 outstanding debt that had caused friction between the pair. According to a close friend, Wheeler has no interest in...
Man who cancels gym membership doesn’t get why he can’t still use it
A man has hit the roof that he can't still go to the gym he used to be a member of. John Proud, 51, said: "Ages ago they opened this plush gym in the local area. We desperately needed one, but I never liked it." Reluctantly John joined the club, but constantly moaned about the monthly fee, even after a large discount. He said: "I got in better shape, but I never mixed with the other members. They were into...
Millions of people unwittingly expose themselves as idiots
Facebook users up and down the country have exposed themselves as idiots by sharing their fury over the miscarriage of justice that took place when modern-day-martyr Tommy Robinson, or convicted criminal Stephen Yaxley-Lennon to use his real name, was convicted for contempt of court.
Someone’s rewritten Pulp’s hit as Gammon People and it’s a Brexit anthem
We were trying to steer clear of the whole boring gammon controversy: whether it is racist to call the roaring pulmoan-ary purple-faced middle aged men bellowing stuff like “just-get-on-with-it” about Brexit on Question Time gammon-coloured or not. Especially when Kathy Burke nailed it: But then Matthew Hankins just wrote this amazing anthem for gammon coloured men, and the ham-fisted pig’s ear that seduced them and tucked them up like pigs in blankets: Boris Johnson. Slightly altering the words of Pulp’s...
Marketers seen offering vital organs to retain people on their mailing list
Marketers have been found offering people vital organs such as lungs and kidneys in order to keep them on their mailing lists following the GDPR rollout. Pleas to keep people signed up have been growing increasing desperate as the deadline looms, with one CMO giving away his house to get a long-standing client to “opt in” to his mail shots. Others who have already lost all their earthly possessions have been forced to trade off their vital organs and limbs...
Brits reminisce about Beast from the East as they long for cooler conditions
Thousands of Brits have been overheard reminiscing about the "good old days" of bitterly cold conditions today as temperatures soared to their highest level of the year. Just weeks after the Beast from the East blew out feelings of nostalgia were reported across the country, with temperatures reaching a barmy 27 degrees Celsius in some places. According to nat-rep data, 23 degrees is the threshold between "hot" and "too hot". Weather forecaster James McGail said: "Africa has now replaced Siberia...
Daily Express implodes over “ice blasting super mega wintery f*ck-storm”
The news desk at the Daily Express has imploded after three days of genuinely cold weather on UK shores. Editors and journalists were found collapsed in a heap this morning just after temperatures dipped below freezing again. Multiple packs of Kleenex tissues and a Collins thesaurus was found next to the bodies with deranged scribbling around the words “icy” and “cold”. The front page of the latest edition simply read “ice blast mega freezing super blizzarding wintery fuck-storm", with an...