Satire

Mark Zuckerberg has fired his new artificial intelligence bot after finding him hidden in his pantry flicking through his Facebook feed. The AI was one of Mark’s big challenges for this year, but it appears he has been hoisted by his own petard after he discovered the robot looking at an album entitled ‘Zante 2014’ when he was supposed to be dusting the shelves. Rumours that Zuckerberg found his AI butler in a compromising position are as yet unfounded, but...

The bank’s TV advertising campaign aimed at teaching digital “life skills” to help people get jobs, has drastically backfired. Thousands of young people were taught to pin a tweet, and most of them used it to call Barclays a bunch of cheating scumbags, at the top of their news feed. Steven Holmes, 18 said: “after the tutorial I went straight home and pinned a Tweet that said, “you thieving, robbing, shameless #Barclays”. They said the # might make it trend,...

Rumours of human waste floating through Carlisle turned out to be a hapless Tory MP suffering a barrage of abuse. Angry villagers were stood up to their waists, in water, in their living rooms screaming: “shit, shit, shit,” but it turned out they were berating a Liz Truss, the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. Truss said: “Our complex modelling factors in that we will be berated by locals when we mess up flood defences (again), so...

In the video of the machete-wielding terrorist at Leytonstone Tube Station, you can hear a man shout ‘You ain’t no Muslim, bruv’ as the lunatic is tasered by the police. In just a few choice words, he got to the core of what politicians and the commentariat have been trying to stress ever since the Paris attacks. Fortunately the terrorist - who allegedly screamed ‘This is for Syria’ right before he attacked - wasn’t able to murder a single soul. He failed...

Jeremy Corbyn has admitted he opts to ride a bicycle as opposed to a car because the latter would mean sitting on the right of the vehicle - something he's morally not prepared to do. The divisive Labour leader said: "Cycling as opposed to driving is better for the environment, and that's a fantastic bonus, but my main concern is to quite literally avoid being on the right. A bike will allow me to do that. The driver's seat in...

The most famous intergalactic guide in the Universe has released its new addition and updated earth to “fairly harmful.” Toyota Corolla, the current journalist working on guide in this unfashionable arm of the Milky Way said: “I just popped in for an afternoon, as we didn’t expect these apes to have achieved much, and they haven’t, well unless you consider killing each other in new and innovative ways. “The population of Zedron B are having the same problem, but they...

A property developer self-immolated after the watching the Spending Review yesterday. Moments after releasing that he would have to pay stamp duty on new homes, to expand his property portfolio, he doused himself in petrol, set himself alight, and calmly sat outside his local Foxtons branch in Brixton. Staff member John, 26 said: "Normally it is the anti-gentrification lot protesting outside, but they just throw a few eggs, this seems a bit excessive, especially as we are on his side....

A 23-year-old male has been admitted to hospital after cutting off his own penis in response to becoming aroused by Marion Marechal-Le Pen. The man, who wants to remain anonymous, said he became excited while reading about the rise (no pun in intended) of the Front National’s 25-year-old Marion Marechal-Le Pen, niece of Marine Le Pen, who is running for the FN in provincial elections. He said: “I was getting angry that they are likely to win in Provence-alpes-Cote d’Azur,...

“There’s no such thing as society”, Margaret Thatcher famously told Woman’s Own in 1987. Today Chancellor George Osborne was showing off how he is still trying his very best to make that happen, outlining his latest austerity measures to dismantle and sell off the state in the Autumn Spending Review statement. And again The London Economic turned to someone who can offer her own exclusive insight into the Conservative party leadership candidate formerly known as Gideon, his former party companion...