Satire

There was literally no wide-spread shock today when HSBC announced that it won’t move 2.5 million light-years away from Earth, now the Government have scrapped the bank levy. An HSBC spokesman said: “of course it wasn’t any empty threat, being 780 kiloparsecs away from London meant we could still have continued with our fine banking tradition: including money laundering, helping wealthy clients evade tax and contributing to a worldwide financial meltdown. “We had been breeding derivative traders who had gills,...

Angry and boorish John Baron, 48 from Runcorn, was overjoyed when everyone left Anfield earlier than he usually does. He said: “I couldn’t believe it, usually I just get torrents of abuse, “we can see you sneaking out” "part time supporter" and “fuck off John you miserable cunt”…all that rubbish. I thought people had come around to my way of thinking finally.” Mr Baron had no idea about the fans protests; he only uses the match the get out his...

A runner suffering with mild depression unintentionally felt happy while out for a run. James Tovey, 38 a Charted Surveyor from Sydenham was on his usual running route when happy people infiltrated his depressed state of mind. He said: “I was running along with only my negative thoughts going through my head; telling me I was worthless and pathetic, praying the release of endorphins might lift my low mood. “Then suddenly an organised park-run ran into my path. People were chatting,...

The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has decided to claw back some landmark laws he believes we don’t deserve anymore. He was interviewed, during a love-in, on the Andrew Marr show, where he explained why he took his “tough decisions.” On women’s right to vote he said: “I brought in universal credit to replace universal suffrage, they have had it too good for too long.” On the 1833 Factory Act he said: “These children have not had to...

A trailer for a new 50 Shades of Grey film has been released shortly before Valentine's Day featuring a surprise protagonist. Rowan Atkinson stars in the BlamCo trailer as billionaire Christian Grey. The impressionable Anastasia Steele sees her life change forever when she meets the handsome/ kinky business man. Watch the full trailer below.

Fascists across Europe have rationalised the persecution of an entire race on the same company getting the contract. Martin Neuer, 27, from Freiburg said: “If we had known the star on door meant people would get attacked, we wouldn’t have done it, but one company did all the work. Problem is we were big fans of the closed tender bid back in the 1930s”. John Barret, 34, from Canvey Island said: “Yeh, it’s a real shame, if they had contracted...

Pollsters have finally admitted that they got the election result tragically wrong, because conservative voters didn’t give them the time of day. Sally Thomas, 24, who works for Ipsos MORI said: “I would walk up to huge houses, but the people there would chase me off their land, occasionally I would ask a groundsman who they were voting for and noted that down. We actually predicted Cobham, in Surrey, would go red.” James Avery, 26, from Gallup, said: “We knew...

“I was just about to learn the Spanish for ‘two beers” but I just couldn’t find the time, I’ve only been here eight years."

News that the fun crushing Government has decided there is no such thing as a safe level of drinking has had the opposite effect. Drinkers across the country have thrown caution to the wind and got completely wasted instead. James Sawerbridge, 24 a trainee Quantity Surveyor from Wandsworth, hanging onto a lamppost at 11am on Friday morning, drawled: “I just thought let’s get pissed then, so I downed a bottle of Archers Peach Schnapps at 9am Monday morning, I think...