Satire

A man has been injured on the London Underground after reporting something unusual. In a damming indictment to widely broadcast publicity campaigns, the 41 year-old IT professional was smacked around the head by a loose advertising fitting after spotting an unattended bag. To add insult to injury, he was then barged onto a platform after being careful when alighting, sustaining minor bruising. "Despite their assurances, I've been battered black and blue by tfl this morning," the beligured commuter said. "There...

The entire population of middle England became so angry, when the two most politically correct events ever happened on one day, they exploded. It caused a power surge of anger of epic proportions, that they all spontaneously combusted. Gary, 36 from Widnes was driving through Berkshire when the rugby tackling news broke, he said: “the whole county seemed to shake. Then ten minutes later it came across on the radio that a company in Bristol was going to give women...

Today, European leaders unanimously voted for Britain to leave the EU. During reform talks in Brussels, EU leaders staged a vote to decide whether Britain should be ejected from the European community before the ‘in or out’ referendum takes place in Britain on June 23rd 2016. European Presedent Sven Jose Cappello announced the results this morning, “It is with great pleasure that I can announce our intention to eject the UK from the EU before their own referendum on the...

A wide range (Eton or Harrow – Oxford or Cambridge) of posh actors have won acting prizes for acting really posh. Thespian Hugo Fittleworth Jackson-Kew, 27 said: “I had to play an 19th century aristocrat in a costume drama recently, and had to actually act a bit less posh than I really am. It was the closest to method acting I have ever been, it took me weeks to detoxify my mind in Mustique. “I am sick and tired of...

Boris Johnson was shocked when he was accused of making up he wants to leave Europe until he was reminded he has made stuff up before. The Mayor of London, and even more terrifyingly probably future PM, was sacked from the Times for making up quotes, when he was a junior reporter. He said: “I was only let go because I falsified a quote from my godfather, Colin Lucas, its not that bad is it? I can definitely be trusted...

It seems after his victory in South Carolina this weekend Trump was looking to announce some big new make or break policies heading into Nevada on Tuesday. After scrambling his aides to his chamber in the early hours of Monday morning for a late night "spitballin" session he's cracked it. The was a (non-Catholic) hallelujah moment at 1.08am. One of trump's, many, toupee bearers announced that everyday around ten Americans drown in a bath or hot tub, with 2003 alone seeing...

David Cameron has hailed a breakthrough in his on-going negotiations in Brussels, as he persuaded Gideon Osborne to drop him off some party powders, to get him through the next 24 hours talks. Cameron said: "I told him I'd pay his travel and he can charge me £80 for the £50 stuff, that won him over." A dilated PM said: “You know what I was wrong about Donald Tusk, he is actually a really interesting guy, I could listen to him...

HSBC has rolled out voice recognition across the UK to replace the need for passwords, but have by-passed Newcastle-upon-Tyne with the new software. The bank’s Head of new technology James Gittens, 45, said: “It is fool proof and we have spent millions on the software, but we had to draw the line somewhere, give us a chance. “We just want all Newcastle customers to continue to ring in to prove their ID. Our call centre staff don’t understand a word...

Aston Villa footballer Joleon Lescott’s jean-pocket has been nominated for the prestigious Mensa Select award after creating a mind-twisting puzzle whilst in the dirty laundry bin. Mensa Select is an annual award given by American Mensa since 1990 to five board games that are "original, challenging and well designed." Mensa is the oldest high IQ society in the world, for those who score at the 98th percentile or higher on a supervised IQ test. Joleon said “My pocket, or Gary as he likes to be called, is amazing.” “He’s...