Satire

Jon Snow is odds-on favourite to take the vacant managerial position at Manchester United after resigning as Lord Commander of the Night's Watch. Despite admitting to "knowing nothing" about the game, the United board has seen fit to take Snow over the hugely experienced José Mourinho, who said he is "heart broken" by the decision in a two-page long sonnet to the board. But they were quick to point out the similarities between the two managers. Like Mourinho, Snow left The Wall after loosing...

As shoddily built schools were closed in Scotland, it meant the only citizens who have ever benefited from PFI were children, getting a few days off. However, they knew this day would come. They had prophesised these free days off school, in fables about this momentous occasion, handed down from seniors, in cramped cloakrooms, hopscotch cabals and nap-time whispers. Angus, 7, enjoying his days off, said: “PFI was no more efficient than other forms of borrowing and it was "illusory"...

David Cameron had previously criticised the comedian Jimmy Carr, describing him as "morally wrong" for seeking to avoid taxes. However, today the PM has made a surprise u-turn describing Carr’s tax affairs as ‘nothing illegal’. George Osborne and David Cameron He also apologised for a 'previous misunderstanding' after the PM astonishingly took time out from the G20 summit in 2012 (where world leaders were discussing important stuff) to attack Carr and voice his disgust at tax avoidance schemes. The prime minister...

A widespread wave of gentrification has hit Britain in the wake of the new mandatory National Living Wage (NLW) which came into force today. Tesco reported that its ‘finest’ range had sold out and Café Nero was forced to close its doors early after supplying what it described as a “tsunami” of espressos. The threat of mass gentrification had been outlined by town planners in the run-up to the new bill, who warned that an influx of middle-class people could...

This Facebook status by Emlyn Pearce went viral today.  It has been shared over 10,000 times in 12 hours and has been liked 17,000 times. WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE MUSLIMS AND BLACK PEOPLE IN GLASGOW TODAY??? This is the worst day ever. I am currently hiding in an alleyway in Glasgow with no trousers and it’s all because of Muslims and black people. It started at about 11 this morning, I'm just walking down the street on some...

The most crucial decision this year is upon us all, should we remain 'in' or 'out' of our winter coats. The country is split, and the decision can be make or break your plans for the future. Conflicted John Stones, 38 from Ebbsfleet said: 'I did a poll of my family and they all said it was time to leave it off, but who trusts pollster anymore? They hate the coat anyway, they say it weighs me down, doesn't suit...

By Joe Mellor, Deputy Editor This map of Britain as visualised by north Londoners went viral, pretty funny (being a Geordie I would have whacked Gazza next to Wor Cheryl) and good to see if you meet or agree with these stereotypes. It was from a little while ago, but still worth a look.

Rafa Benitez, the only manager in history to have won the UEFA Cup, UEFA Super Cup, UEFA Champions League and FIFA Club World Cup has signalled an alien invasion that will end humanity, after signing for Newcastle United. The part-time football manager and full-time lizard king from Zakiza C in the Andromeda galaxy has lived among us for years. On Earth he quickly realised that as well as being an alien sent to wipe out humanity, he was also rather good...

A prominent pop group were left red faced after a full-to-capacity arena retaliated to commands to ‘sing it’ with deadly silence. The group, who had only been on stage for ten minutes, faced a fierce backlash from the crowd after crescendoing into a power chorus only to be met with boos and jeers when they pointed the mic in their direction. Reporters on the ground say fans were protesting to a 50 per cent increase in the cost of gig...