Satire

Vladimar Putin claims evidence of bear DNA found in the hair and claws of the Russian Olympic Wrestling squad were planted by US agents and stated events were typical of ‘US led political propaganda’. Putin commented: “I refute all claims made by the International Olympic Committee. I have personally entered the cages of our Wrestlers and tested them myself and can confirm there is no evidence of bear DNA. Not either on their clothes or their chains. This is another...

A clear and present danger has just appeared in the UK and could destroy the world. A madman has asked for £205bn of our money to spend on the things we really need. Politicians’ have demanded that the death penalty is brought back to silence this psychopath who can only bring pain and misery on people with improved education, healthcare and affordable places to live. Oliver Smythe-Hollings MP, 43 was shaking with rage as he briefed reporters, he said: “To...

Sir John Chilcot is to start his second successive investigation into crimes against humanity by chairing an enquiry into the EU referendum result. The report into Tony Blair's decision to invade Iraq in 2003 was published this morning, with the word "fail" and "bare faced liar" accounting for half of the 2.6 million words published. But keen to tackle more horrific blunders, Chilcot has moved swiftly on to investigating the UK's decision to leave the European Union. "I mean, I'm on a roll", the British...

A 100,000 people strong Brexit protest was interrupted by a music festival this weekend. Youthful liberals from across the country gathered in Glastonbury to protest the UK's decision to leave the European Union only to be disrupted by popular music on a pyramid stage. Acts such as Coldplay, Adele and the ironically-named 'New Order' turned up in  Somerset to thwart the attempts of hundreds of thousands of hippies to stage a peaceful protest. The music was deemed so distracting that even Jeremy...

A man who took a decision for everybody else, then realised it was probably the worst idea ever, jumped ship and left the passengers heading for certain doom. Even he didn’t originally expect to be given control of the ship, so steered wildly tossing passengers overboard without life rafts. Rightly so, many of the crew grew concerned at some of his navigation and that began to spook some of the passengers, even those in the lower decks. He promised to...

Entrepreneur and eraser enthusiast Niall Globstone, 45 of Bexleyheath, has made a killing today. He realised early doors that every polling station was actually ran by MI5 who are desperate for the UK to remain part of the EU. Cheeky Niall has gone from polling station to polling station, selling his prize rubber collection to unscrupulous voting officials. His prints are literally everywhere, as the Leave camps’ votes have been changed to ensure a 100 per cent result for the...

Most intellectuals and averagely smart people have been thinking it for a while now, but finally a study has been released confirming ‘mainly stupid’ people will vote for UK to leave the EU. The study shows that those with low academic attainment, Daily Mail and Sun newspaper readers, Northerners, Monster Energy Drink consumers, and Britain First supporters are most likely to support Brexit. Conversely, highly intellectual Guardian readers, people living in the South, those with high academic attainment, rugby fans, and...

Zlatan Ibrahimovic will remain tight-lipped about his next club until he's managed to flog "at least 100 t-shirts", the sport star's agent has revealed. Speculation about the striker, who hit his prime five years ago, has been rife in the media as a potential hook-up with former boss Jose Mourinho looks in the offing. But the former international star is unwilling to reveal his intentions, focusing rather on his new threads which are set to be "this summer's big bomb". Luring fans...

Salespeople are facing a minor crisis after countries across the Arab World declared they are at full capacity for sand. The market barometer for a competent salesperson could be in jeopardy after influential leaders from Saudi Arabia, UAE and several other nations on the Arabian Peninsula declared that they would stop importing sand with immediate effect due to oversupply. Bragging rights for the office's top dogs are expected to be removed following the devastating announcement, with macho salespeople frenetically trying to find...