Satire

As the Byron Burger chain decided to round up its illegal workers and send them to concentration camps, sorry deport them, the far-right group decided to team up with the racist restaurant group. Nigel Staines, 34 a senior spokesperson for Britain's First, from Barking said: “Britain’s First Byron Burger had a certain ring to it, one of the lads, Terry, did a journalism course while he was locked up for ABH on a Polish brickie. “I tracked their first burger...

Mary Paes, the wife of Eduardo Paes the Mayer of Rio De Janeiro, is not happy. “I went to the shops to get some final bits and bobs for Rio leaving my husband to sort out the open sewers, investment in favelas, the Zika virus and a couple of other little odds and ends like he promised to do fucking years ago and I come home to see him sitting on his arse with a can of Carlsberg.” Mary is...

Electric car manufacturer and environmental entrepreneur Elon Musk gave the world’s media a tour of the new Tesla battery manufacturing plant and immediately came under criticism for the treatment of his batteries. “It’s absolutely disgusting” said one reporter. “The batteries are all crammed into these tiny little chicken coops with no natural light. There is no room to move and they sit there, idly whirring away. The batteries look like they’ve had their electrodes trimmed and all their lithium is...

A disgruntled Sanders supporter has pledged to vote for Donald Trump after their candidate wasn’t democratically chosen to be the presidential candidate. Fuming Michael De Rossi, 31 from Seattle screamed: “If we can’t have Bernie, then it has to be Trump, that will teach Hilary not to mess with us.” It is well known that Clinton has demanded that a wall is built between Mexico and US, Muslims shouldn’t be allowed in the country and has laughed at disabled journalists....

New England manager Sam Allardyce stated at his first press conference yesterday that he’s never been offered a top manager’s job, including the England role, because he was English and shit. “Chelsea, Man U, Arsenal and England would never give a shit Englishman a proper go, not with all the money and pressure in the game these days”. Allardyce was recently offered the role on account of his excellent track record of never fully failing at any club he’s been...

Pregnant women up and down the country are showing their thanks to men who have today permitted them to eat raw eggs. Sarah, 32 from Watford is 8 weeks pregnant: “These have been the hardest 8 weeks of my life. I’ve literally woken up in cold sweats every night dreaming about eggnog and mayonnaise. I’m so happy right now and would like to thank men for allowing us this treat. I’m gonna go straight down Greggs and smash a load...

The Russian Hooligan Federation could face retrospective action after several high profile hooligans tested positive for vegetables; including superfoods kale, quinoa and avocado. The IHC (International Hooligan Committee) has already set up a team to review CCTV footage taken during the recent European Championships to search for inappropriate sobriety within the Russian ranks. @Young casual78, a spokesperson for the IHC said “If we are unable to find any corroborative footage of the Russian contingent either slurring, swaying, urinating in the...

Consuming alcohol and processed meats is paramount to death by firing squad, new research has revealed. A study published in the scientific journal Addiction found 'the weekend' could be the biggest threat to the human race, with people quaffing booze and stuffing their faces full of sausage and bacon to really stick the boot in. The damning research has come as a blow to all those out on the lash tonight, many of whom have opted to stay at work and...

This latest act of generosity by billionaire Sports Direct and Newcastle United owner comes after a recent report compared his businesses to a ‘Victorian Workhouse’. The report outlined a series cruel and demeaning working practices which Ashley denies any culpability for. “Quite frankly those little tykes have a bleedin good of time of it”, said Ashley. Ashley points to some of the benefits his employees at Sport Direct have access to such as the donkey to work scheme, subsidised lunchtime...