Satire

A group of sharks believed to be around 400 years old have been discovered off the coast of Greenland. The Greenland sharks can be found swimming very slowly in front of other fish, can get easily confused and are known to wake at 6am every morning. ‘Look I’m sorry to be the one to say this”, said one particularly hurried Blue Marlin, “ but what’s the point in keeping these sharks alive if they just float around doing fuck all...

A 400-year-old shark was asked what he most wants to know about humans since he was last in contact with them when he was a spritely 48. He wondered if Kronenburg 1664 still takes like piss and it was confirmed that it does. The sullen shark, who wouldn’t give his name, said: “I was swimming along the Rhine river minding my own business and a guy by the name of Geronimus Hatt, lifted me out of the water. “I was...

Millions of men up and down the country are sneering at Pokemon Go, the latest fantasy game craze to sweep the nation, which is in no way similar to Fantasy Football whatsoever they say. “What a load of utter bollocks Pokemon is”, said Ben Taylor from Huddersfield. “I know people who spend their entire day glued to their phone, getting excited over some fantasy nonsense. Fully grown men, I mean have you ever heard of such a thing?” Around five...

Militant judges who have just been voted onto the panel for the upcoming series of Strictly Come Dancing, have already clamped down on New Labour traitor Ed Balls. He would not do the Trotskyite twist with the 500,000 other Labour supporters at home. During rehearsal for the first show Balls told producers he wanted to concentrate on the Foxtrot, but the judges assumed it was a subtle way for him to bring back hunting animals for sport, through the medium...

A man who saw his old car couldn’t resist buying it back for an inflated fee, after seeing Pogba deal on TV. Terry Jones, 45 from Havant said: “I bought it back when it was young and fresh, it really looked the part. However, it was unreliable, kept breaking down on long journeys and only really enjoyed itself at home on the drive. “I should have noticed the warning signs when I first bought it, it had go faster stripes,...

Larry the rescue cat was adopted by No.10 from Battersea Dogs & Cats home as a kitten. Realising he needed a strong male role model staff paired Larry with the then Prime Minister David Cameron. The two quickly became inseparable. The kitten was close to death when it was adopted by No.10 and David Cameron is said to have told Larry to ‘pick himself up, get off the couch and start contributing to the household’. Larry was described by David...

Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carney has announced he has had enough of the UK, after taking interest rates down to a historic new low. Carney, who has repeatedly been head-butting his oak desk since the Brexit vote, has played his last card, even though he knows it will push house prices up and anyone with savings would make more through a kitchen sink equipment pyramid selling scheme. He said: “I told you not to leave the EU,...

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon has put out a £100k contract on Andy Murray for agreeing to carry the Olympic flag in Rio for Great Britain. Angry SNP supporters have been seen burning tennis rackets and balls, some even while playing, which seems to gauge the level of anger, even amongst tenacious participants of the sport north of the border. Sturgeon said: "He voted SNP and then he agreed to carry the British flag, for Great Britain next to Princess Anne!...

A Brexit voter who made the fateful crossing of the Atlantic wasn’t aware the ship was sinking as he just wanted to hear the music. Jeff Miles, 47, from Sevenoaks said: “I didn’t care where the ship was going, that was nothing to do with me I just wanted to hear the band, once they band played everything would be alright. “I shouted at the staff, as the band were supposed to be on at 8pm, but they seemed too...