Satire

Boris Johnson was four hours late for the cabinet away day at Chequers today after putting Checkers into the sat nav. Boris, the new Foreign Secretary, spoke to our reporter from junction 12 on the M40 today. He said: “I knew it was named after a some type of game. I thought Bridge possibly, but they are never going to build that over the Thames. “Maybe Risk, but I had already played that with the UK economy. What about Snakes...

Remain voters are feeling particularly smug at the sight of Nigel Farage addressing 15,000 activists at a Trump rally in Jackson, Mississippi. Keith Sylvester, a disgruntled remain voter, still unable to get over the injustice of the referendum said: “This is gold dust. Everyone in this country knows what a total bell Trump is, and now you have the poster boy of the Leave campaign cosying up to him. The axis of evil is complete. I can’t wait to see...

A man who approached a woman on a beach and brandished a weapon was arrested. The unnamed woman was minding her own business on the beach, but was not stripped down to a bikini, which caused the man a great deal of distress. He grabbed his gun, pepper spray and baton and charged onto the beach to force the women to show some more flesh. Horrified beach-goers called the police, he was arrested and led away to cheers from the...

The family who got upgraded to First Class so Jeremy Corbyn could get a seat have said they would never go back to poverty class and now going to vote for the Conservatives. The Shepton family had never been in first class before until a helpful trainguard upgraded them so Jezza could get a seat. They crossed the class divide and liked what they saw. Nick Shepton said: “I always used to look at the first class carriage with disdain,...

32-year-old old Stephen Wilson, from the accounts department, is already planning this year’s xmas party, and he is literally counting the seconds until it starts. Stephen, who spends 364 evenings of the year at home, has already sent the e-mail invite list and is demanding a reply by Wednesday 23rd August at 5pm, as “most venues get booked up by August bank holiday.” He is currently telling anyone who will listen, in the staff canteen, about last year’s outing, “remember...

Owen Smith left the BBC studio contest against Jeremy Corbyn today and thought it had gone well, until he spoke to his team. Smith said to his campaigners: “It wasn’t like I offered to do the job or anything, I never said I had experience negotiating with other terrorist groups…oh shit. “You don’t think they would give me the job to go to Syria to meet them do you? do you?! I was planning on just going for boozy lunches...

Jason Kenny only won his sixth gold medal to hit the right speed to go back in time and stop Brexit. Kenny said: “I was sick of winning gold medals, but I needed the last chance to go back in time and stop Brexit; this final gave me the chance to do it.” Biff Tannen, played by Donald Trump said: “Make like a tree and Leave the European Union.” Luckily he didn’t get hold of the Sport almanac to bet...

A man who claims he could have won Olympic gold for Great Britain, but “typical bloody immigrant” Mo Farah nicked the job. Graham Pickering, 47 who literally hates everyone who isn’t white, British and from the same village as him has demanded everyone slightly foreign has to leave the UK, and Mo Farah has to hand his medals back on his way out. Pickering, from a small village with literally no non-white British people, was asked why he only liked...

A man who literally couldn’t deal with the story that the EU was going to enforce the straitening of bananas, so punched himself repeatedly in the face until he was unconscious, has said he won't let project fear scare him over over predictions of a meltdown in the UK economy. Tim Shields, 47, from Dartford said: “I remember the day I read about the EU banning all bendy bananas, well I remember up until I knocked myself out. I was...