Satire

Today Harrods have removed Marmite from the luxury food isle following sterling rising sharply today on news of the High Court ruling on Article 50.  Following the Brexit vote in June, the pound had slumped to record low levels meaning fuel and shopping prices have risen, with price hikes predicted to continue. However, the court ruling that Parliament must make the final decision on Brexit has made triggering Brexit a lot trickier and has given sterling a massive boost. The pound was up 1%...

Remainers have today ruled that the government are a bunch of ‘hypocritical twats’ after the High Court confirmed that parliamentary approval is needed to trigger article 50. A disappointed number 10 stated its intent to stick to the March 2017 date and will take the case to the supreme court if necessary. However, Simon Williams, first minister of somewhere that voted to remain said ‘Ha ha ha, how does it feel to be called a sore loser you lying bunch...

The right-wing press have come together today to unite in collective anger against the sovereignty of Parliament to vote on Brexit. The decision of the High Court to ensure Parliament has to vote on this decision, like it does with EVERY other decision, has sent the right-wing press into a spin. For one day they have vowed to stop competing with each other as to who can be the most racist and will take each take a letter from the...

BAE Systems is definitely an acronym and not a shortened version of baby or babe, according to the firm’s founders. Confusion has arisen of late over the pronunciation of the aerospace company after bae came into popular use. But the company’s founders are keen to avoid confusion. Lord Ballemthew, the third duke of Rushmoor, said: “It’s embarrassing for a company which supplies some of the world's most advanced, technology-led defence, aerospace and security solutions to be associated with this juvenile...

A raft of secret service jobs are set to be rolled out for the observant fuckers who have realised it’s getting dark earlier. The Secret Intelligence Service, commonly known as MI6, is looking to recruit people who can detect subtle changes in light conditions in relation to the time of the day simply by looking out of the window. It is thought that every home and office in the UK is likely to send at least one vigilant candidate for...

A sweary Mother Nature was outspoken today after plans for a new runway at Heathrow were given the go-ahead. She said: “I am sick of fucking hearing about it, do you know how many species have died since you started talking about the new runway in the 1950s? “The Great Barrier Reef died the other day. I thought it might be a wake-up call, but oh no, the front page of the papers were a few overdeveloped teenagers with brown...

Tory PM Theresa May has finally admitted that the leprechaun community will not get the pot of gold they were promised. The leprechauns set off in mid summer, with high hopes for a better future, but after a few days some of their number started to question if it was a good idea. They were told they were traitors and they needed to take back control of the rainbow, and that had it been looming over them for so long....

The Gorilla who was captured at London Zoo has told reporters that he was just on the way to panic buy a jar of his beloved Marmite. The heavily tranquilized gorilla said: “You apes are not that clever, I usually pop out down to the Tesco Metro in St John's Wood once or twice a month to get a jar of Marmite, do you honestly think I want to eat bananas, all day, every day? “However, today I heard one the...

Worrying television footage of Trump discussing politics has emerged overnight in the latest setback to his controversial Presidential campaign. In the footage Trump can be heard at one point attempting to address political ideas and policies, in a recording likely to upset most people in the world. Linguistic experts have examined the poor quality footage in which Trump can be heard mumbling incoherently and flitting between subjects, and worked tirelessly overnight to piece together fragments of his sentences into one...