Satire

The indigenous people of London are today celebrating as millions of economic migrants return back to their homeland for Christmas. The annual exodus of around 4 million people ensures public transport becomes ‘manageable’, shopping becomes ‘a little bit less hysterical’ and bars become ‘not wholly uncomfortable’. Simon Griffiths, a geezer, said “It's a wonderful time of year aint it. I was born under the sound of the Bow Bells and was runnin round the streets of the East End since...

A miserable twat can’t wait until the first celebrity dies on New Year’s Day so they can write off 2017, and blame their miserable nature on the curse of 2017. David Stevenson, 54, from Scunthorpe, said: “I quite enjoyed 2016, by that I mean I hated it all, but I blamed it on Prince, Bowie, Leonard Cohen and dying. “2015 was really tough for me, but I blamed it on Star Wars: The Force Awakens not being as good as...

A strange case of “Schrodinger’s Chanting” has been spotted at football grounds amongst fans who simultaneously want to go home and not go home. Like the hypothesised cat, who is both dead and alive, new cases of football fans who are both heading home and not heading home have emerged disguised in chants that appear to indicate their disdain of a town as well as their eagerness to stay around and drink all its beer. The discovery came after Doncaster...

A London commuter has become the first person to spot a piece of news content in the Metro newspaper. After spending months trawling through back issues of the commuter rag it was by chance that Danny Davey spotted never-before-seen editorial content among its commercially-driven pages. Davey said: "I was going through my morning routine of sifting through the Tesco ads when all of a sudden I spotted something quite queer. "A small piece of editorial copy was hidden between a...

Foreign secretary Boris Johnson was accidentally sent to Sunderland after Tory staff confused the town for a British overseas territory. Junior staff, one fresh out of Eton, were sent by the new Exiting the European Union select committee to explore the state of Sunderland Upon Wear after it was flagged that they had voted decisively for Brexit. But there was confusion when the Foreign Secretary was asked to pay it a visit on national business, rather than the man engineering Britain's exit...

A government memo about not leaking the original don't leak memo has been leaked. Two consecutive memos were issued to Whitehall staff. The first warned of the consequences of leaking government memos and the second was sent immediately after warning staff not to leak the don't leak memo. It is not clear whether a 'don't leak the don't leak, leak' memo will be sent after both memos made today's front pages. Prime minister Theresa May is thought to be less...

Brexit MP David Davis has learnt of an interesting European alliance in which you pay to have access to the single market. The fee, thought to be around £350 million a week, would allow the UK access into an innovative scheme dubbed the European Union, with the caveat that we observe the other three freedoms. Mr Davis is thought to be tremendously upbeat about the scheme which has the potential to appease concerns over economic isolation in one fell swoop....

John Powers, 17, a soldier from Barnsley, is annoyed that the government have decided that he is capable of killing for his country, but is now banned from share sexy texts and images with his girlfriend, who lives 200 miles away from the army barracks, until he is 18. John said: “This morning we were out on the range, I fired a rocket capable of piercing a tank and killing anyone unlucky enough to be inside, threw live grenades into...

The “boutique” (tiny) team of Brexit negotiators have asked PM Theresa May where in the bible they can find the answers to complexity of leaving the biggest trading bloc in the world, after the PM said her faith in God would sort out leaving the EU. Anthony Prentice, 45, a senior civil servant, said he had read every word of the bible and is struggling to see how it helps with reworking bilateral and regional trade agreements. Mr Prentice, however, said...