Satire

James Tovey, 36, has felt betrayed after he looked through his Facebook feed in January and realised his activist mates are actually ski wankers. He said: “I spent an entire night talking about saving the NHS, and creating a more egalitarian society with one guy, I met at a party. I added him of Facebook and I’ve just seen he is at his families ski lodge in Tignes with “the boys,”what a prick. “There was also a girl I met...

The Government has rowed back on the four hour A & E pledge and have now reclassified it as anyone who can survive more than four hours are now not an “urgent” case. Tony Grays, 44, who had been stabbed in the stomach was turned away and seemed ok with it. He said: “Well I thought I was at death’s door, but it turns out I have at least four hours to go, so I’m going to enjoy the rest...

FIFA’s decision to allow pretty much every country in the world into the 2026 World Cup, has lifted the spirits of Scottish fans desperate to see their team in an international tournament, but not the bookies. Sadly the bookmakers are not as confident and have slashed the odds to exactly the same as they were before the announcement by FIFA to extend the tournament to 48 teams. Scotland fan James McDougall, 27, said: “You would think we would get through,...

A group of children who have been living and, mainly, dying in the besieged city of Aleppo have sent messages of hope to London’s commuters, who have been forced to get the bus to work, or indeed stayed at home and are now pretending to work from the pub. Amena, 10, who has seen her sister, mother and father killed in a Russian air strike said she thought she knew suffering until she heard about the one day walk-out. With...

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf better know as “Comical Ali” has told the British Government he can’t take the job as NHS spin doctor, as even he couldn’t try and convince the public the NHS hasn’t gone to shit. He said: “Even when there were US tanks behind me as I told TV cameras that Iraq was defeating the American invaders, I still thought I could win the PR war, but this NHS crisis is well beyond my delusional mind. In desperation...

Theresa May has claimed that the government’s approach to Brexit “isn’t very muddling at all” in a TV interview today. The claim comes after the government’s former ambassador to the EU, Sir Ivan Rogers, criticised the government’s approach in a strongly worded resignation email last week. May said “Look, we know exactly what we want. There is absolutely no confusion at all. Come March we are gong to invoke article 15 and that will be that.” “Yes we have been...

A, now middle aged, man is able to pinpoint the exact moment he became over the hill, after an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction. James Pilchard, 35, was getting dressed when he accidentally tucked his jumper into his jeans, and thought, for a split second, it looked ok, quite smart. Immediately the youthful version of himself took over and chastised him for his disgraceful behaviour, but James knew it was too late. He said: “I immediately un-tucked the jumper and told myself...

2016 is officially a bigger wanker than we first expected after making another arsehole move on Christmas Day. The full calendar year, which has been known to compare itself to the likes of 1914 and 1939, took the life of another national icon on the 25th in a blatant two fingers to the rest of the country and in clear breach of festive protocol. It is still unclear whether this is the last dick head trick it has up its...

Bob Geldoff is set to cancel his Christmas plans to pen a new track in support of the recently discovered Amazonian tribe who, he fears, might not yet know anything about the birth of Christ. A photographer has recently captured images of an uncontacted tribe on the Brazil/Peru border. Close friends have confirmed Geldoff is growing increasingly concerned about the world of dread and fear that he assumes they live in. Graeme Piggott, a neighbour of Geldoff, confirmed he saw...