MPs finally agree Brexit Deal

#Satire

MPs have finally compromised on the best way forward for Brexit, following a series of indicative votes in the House of Commons.

The agreement was reached in the early hours of this morning following a last minute addition to the tabled options. MPs backed the new plan by a majority of 417 for, 21 against.

The new deal, known as Option E, or informally labelled ‘UK Brexit Plus‘, will be taken to the EU Parliament for ratification later this week.  This deal comprises of the following:

What is UK Brexit Plus?

• Prevents the break up of the UK, and prevents a hard boarder between Ireland and Northern Ireland.
• Allows us to control our own borders, as well as sending people back to their county of residence if they cannot support themselves.
• Continue to opt-out of the Eurozone.
• Prevent Turkey from joining the EU, and veto the creation of a European Army.
• Preserve the sovereignty of the UK Government, create our own laws, and retain our own courts.
• Free vote on how our Government, and the EU Government spends its budget.
• Allows us to continue to freely trade with the largest economic trading block in the World.
• Free movement of goods and services between the UK and the EU, ensuring supplies of food an medicines are not  compromised.
• It allows us to continue to travel, live and work anywhere in Europe, and retains the benefits of EU initiatives like low data roaming charges, and travel delay compensation.
• Continued protection over quality of food, goods, and services.
• Average daily UK Brexit Plus cost of 37p per head, derived from tax receipts.

Option E was surprisingly tabled by ardent Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg who said:

‘This is the best option for Britain. I have decided to put my personal fortune growth aspirations aside for a moment. I will actually vote on what is best for my constituents.

‘In due course, I will move my Irish based investment company to Somerset. I will also cease to hedge my bets against the UK economy. I have realised that heavily investing in emerging markets and developing economy trade companies is a conflict of interest to my role as a prominent Conservative MP.’

Supporters of UK Brexit Plus say that the deal will prevent months or years of uncertainty. It will also cease the waste of billions of taxpayers money. Furthermore the UK and the EU can ratify the agreement within hours.

Critics of the bill argue that this deal will not allow us to trade freely on WTO rules, even though this will push prices of tariff free goods up.

Brexit campaigner and former leader of the EDL, Owen Yaxley Lennon (also known as Tommy Robinson) was still skeptical of the deal. He said:

‘Although this sounds exactly like remaining in the EU, this deal is bloody brilliant. It’s exactly what we’ve been asking for. It will make England, I mean Great Britain, great again.

‘Preventing Turkey from joining the EU will also stop the mummification of Europe. Or is that Egypt? Either way, Mummies are not a race, so that’s not a racist or hate statement.’

One leading Remainer told us: ‘This is the precise deal that the UK already has’ [editor’s note: this is true, it is the deal we already have!].