If you could go back in time and kill baby Hitler in 1898 and thus avoid the Third Reich and World War 2, would you do it? This question arguably forms the crux of most ethical debates and philosophical extrapolations, namely when is it right to do bad things? Today the political equivalent is if you could go back in time would you shoot Stanley Johnson in the nut sack? And the answer from me is an unequivocal yes! Nothing nasty mind you, the smallest calibre to get the job done but done it would be. The time machine would emerge out of nowhere, I’d shout, “It’s your kids Stanley somethings gotta be done about your kids!” Pop! Pop! Give the chap a bandage and brandy. Call the ambulance. Then check the time machine mileage to see if I could pick up David Starkey’s kith and kin on the return trip.
Before any outbursts of faux outrage at the possible suggestion of wrong doing on my part, let me point out that I would never do anything illegal and that the time machine would only enter Greece via Bulgaria.
There is a strong argument that we shouldn’t bring a politician’s family into the public arena and I think someone should make it to Stanley Johnson as forcefully as possible. He’s forever popping up sprawled across a daytime sofa like a DNA proxy for his progeny. I am willing to bet that Stanley has done more interviews than Boris, who at the first sight of independent questioning jumps into the comforting arms of a fridge or its human equivalent Nick Ferrari.
Appearing on Tory Brexiteer Ferrari’s LBC show should have been an easy ride for Johnson, if Ferrari did ask a difficult question it would be in error, friendly fire if you will. But when Johnson was asked about his father’s guideline busting jaunt to Greece he started to bluster, flustered his mouth flaps without words. A series of vowels stammered out of him, A… A…A… A… Er… Er… Er… making him sound like a posh moped. “I think you ought to raise that with him,” Johnson managed. That is his answer! “It’s nothing to do with me.”
We are in the middle of a pandemic where social distancing is the only effective measure we have against Covid 19, Cummings clears off on a jaunt to minor British castles and his dad fucks off to Greece. What next? Is Matt Hancock going to arrive in Constantinople by hot air balloon saying he is sourcing PPE and incidentally has a wager with Rishi Sunak that he can traverse the globe in 80 days!
“Are you disappointed with him?” continued Ferrari to which Johnson replied no less than five times, “The overwhelming majority of the British public have understood what needs to be done.” Five times he blurted out a non answer to a simple question. Lest we forget this is our Prime Minister, this is our wannabe Winston Churchill and he cannot even answer a simple question vital to public health. All he had to say was “Yes I am disappointed. In this time of pandemic it is vital we all play our part and that includes my own family.” That is all he has to say. Yet for all the moral authority, leadership and dignity on display Johnson might as well have said, “Pull my finger.”
Lest we forget as leader of this country every other question he has to answer is harder than this.
Johnson is incapable of doing the job of Prime Minister. He has the devastating twin flaws of stupidity and laziness, he simply does not like work. What he likes best is dressing up as Prime Minister. He is happiest when he gets to put on a hard hat, some hi vis and whizz about on a JCB. Happiest when he gets to parrot his three word slogans. Happiest when he gets to pronounce his own brilliance before a hand picked audience with a press pack of his own choosing.
Look at his face light up when he announces a “New Deal”, hah! Most of us wouldn’t trust this lot to muster a Meal Deal. Were they to attempt that the sandwich would be out of date, the crisps would still be in development and the free kids toy would have been lost by Serco.
Build Build Build! He shouts, oblivious to the fact he has managed to build sweet FA. The Thames Estuary Airport? Never was going to happen. The Garden Bridge? Non-existent waste of money. The Scotland to Ireland bridge? Dream on. The nearest he got to building something was a cable car across the Thames that was so underused passenger numbers actually rose during lockdown. I made that last bit up. But if it wasn’t a fact by god it was close.
Johnson is a cosplay Prime Minister. Incapable of work and of the equally important aspect of the job which is to take responsibility. There are plenty of reasons to wish for the absence of Johnson, straight off the bat I can think of 65,000 of them.
Mark Thomas’ Lockdown Live show 9th July 7.30pm tickets http://www.gofasterstripe.com/marklive
Related: Britain is sleepwalking towards authoritarianism
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