10/09/2014

By Charlotte Hope @charlottehope

Kate Middleton is pregnant

Did you hear? Of course you did. It was actual breaking news on rolling news stations regardless of continent. There’s something unifying about a Royal baby. The weight on that poor foetus’ shoulders is quite something. At least it can stay incubated, blissfully unaware, for another little while. The two things I’ve taken from the almost relentless news coverage of what is seemingly quite an ordinary pregnancy are:

1. People are using this unborn child as a literal reason for Scotland to vote ‘no’to independence. What a responsibility! Cynics claim it was timed to coincide with the referendum whilst opportunists are claiming it’s the reason people have been looking for to argue their case. Either way it’s an enormous amount of pressure on what is essentially a cluster of cells completely dependent on the body of another human. And they say I’m not maternal.
2. Kate Middleton gets morning sickness. My goodness, she must be the first one! Why this has made front page news I will never know, but it has. On my leisurely stroll home today I saw one hyperbolic newspaper with a headline ‘SHE’S SO SICK.. I JUST HAVE TO BE WITH HER’or something similar, presumably paraphrasing actual Prince William. He doesn’t look like he has a propensity for such dramatic language.

Obviously a baby is a nice thing for people to be getting excited about instead of tragic aviation stories so I’m not fully averse to people celebrating this news. It’s just the way in which it’s being celebrated that seems strange.

One Direction ‘do a Beyoncé’

Can we call it that? I just did. In the night at some point, One Direction announced that they’ve made a new album and, to celebrate, released a song from it for free for 24 hours only (after which you can pay for it). It could have been 12 hours. I’m not too clear on the details. What I am clear on is that it sent the One Direction fans into a tailspin (on Twitter, at least). Given Beyoncé’s penchant for releasing new music in the middle of the night with absolutely no warning, people* have taken to calling this tactic ‘doing a Beyoncé’. At least this was just the announcement that there was going to be a new album (which you can now pre-order, should you so desire), rather than the actual album. Attendance rates across schools would surely have plummeted if they’d released the album.

The lead single which was played on radio stations country-wide (probably) is called Fireproof and it’s a bit of a return to form for 1D. Sample lyric: ‘Nobody knows you baby/the way I do’. Classic. It’s perfect fodder for teenage girls to kid themselves into thinking is about them. This feeling translates directly into record sales, so it’s always a safe move.

*me

A gigantic NFL player beat his wife up and celebrities are weighing in on it

An NFL player called Ray Rice was banned for two games in July for allegedly assaulting his then fiancé (now wife) Janay Palmer after a video emerged of him pulling her limp body from an elevator. This week, elevator footage (again – who is this vigilante elevator surveillance operator?!) emerged of Rice punching Palmer and knocking her out.

Criticism has been levelled, naturally, at Rice but also, not naturally, at Palmer – who since the event has married Rice. Real talk: not her fault a 95kg man knocked her out and she’s not ‘asking for it’by marrying him. Lena Dunham has been the most notable of several celebrities who have weighed in on the debate, tweeting (amongst other things)

Baltimore have now sacked Rice and several endorsement deals that he had have been dropped, which is a positive step in showing people that this behaviour isn’t okay.