By Joe Mellor, Deputy Editor
Peep Show is back on 11th November for its final series and I am addicted to the show; yes this list is lazy journalism, but who cares, every one of these lines is comedy gold.
There are loads of others that could go in here, but these 44 are a pretty decent bunch, I hope you will agree.
1.”Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown’s savoury, white’s the treat. Of course I’m the one who’s laughing because I actually love brown toast.”
2.”So what if I don’t really love her. Charles didn’t really love Diana and they were alright. Sort of.”
3.”If she’s the one she’s hiding it brilliantly.”
4.“I’ve made a psycho call to the woman I love, I’ve kicked a dog to death, and now I’m going to pepper spray an acquaintance. Something… I mean, what’s happened to me?”
5.”I would literally stab a baby to do it.”
6.“How do I feel? Empty? Check. Scared? Check. Alone? Check. Just another ordinary day.”
7.“Warm copies make everything better.”
8.“I win because they think I pissed myself, they’ve no clue I came all in my pants!”
9.”I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears. Do women wear socks? Well, yes, sometimes, is the answer to that. Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants, that’s the rule. Makes a man look scary – like a chicken.) [Jeremy walks by, wearing only socks.] (He just does not give one solitary shit.)”
10.”And listen, while we’re at it, there are systems for a reason in this world, economic stability, interest rates, growth. It’s not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright? It’s only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you’re not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth and a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that. Now come on, fuck off.”
11.”Yeah, well, Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can’t face reality.”
12.“Listen, Jeremy, you don’t seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That’s the real world. Your hair isn’t red, people don’t walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you’ve got to turn up, log on and grind out.”
13. “Life is all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom. Why do we even pretend that there’s anything other than a yawning blankness at the heart of… Hey! 33% extra free! I’m doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind is making me even more frugal than normal.”
14.“I’ve got to take Jeremy’s advice more often: I’m out on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazerbowl toilets… this is it. This is literally, it. This is the sort of thing people do when they’re having a good time.”
15. “Good old unfriendly Mr. Patel. Never says a word whether you’re buying corn flakes, fabric softener… or gay porn.”
16.Therapist: Often I like to kick things off with a bit of word association. It’s kind of a fun way…
Mark: Is it therapy?
Therapist: Not really, no. I’ll just say a word and you tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind.
Mark: (He’s trying to therapise me.)
Therapist: Okay, let’s start with an obvious one. Work.
Mark: (Snake-pit.) Snake… charmer.
Therapist: Just say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.
Mark: (Everything.) …not everything.
Therapist: Children.
Mark: (Blind.) Uh, short.
Therapist: Father.
Mark: (Führer.) Football.
Therapist: Mother
Mark: (Sophie.) Fuck! No, not fuck!
17.“Oh, my God. Umm… What about my abnormal knackers? Ooh, this is nice. How weird are they? What I really need is a good, long look at another man’s bollocks. But that’s so fraught with potential problems.”
18. “Yeah, you won’t be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. I’m probably exactly the kind of person who could end up doing something like that.”
19. “I’ve walked into my own personal nightmare. Must remain non-uptight for Sophie. Even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals.”
20. “I’m Louis Theroux. I’m Louis Theroux with his wry smile at the orgy.”
21.“Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred the world over during the day, that’d be good – except it would take forever.”
22. Mark: (Do a Columbo, do a Columbo.) [To shoe shop assistant] Just remind me, which university was it April’s gone to again?
Assistant: Dartmouth.
Mark: Dartmouth, of course. Dartmouth. Thanks. (Good old Columbo. Just the one technique, of course. Still, shits on Quincy.)
23. “Hell, who’s in charge? The world’s just people walking around, going in to rooms and saying things. It’s all a big swizzle!”
24.“Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!”
25. “Look at me; I’ve got a girlfriend. A proper girlfriend reading a best-seller about child-abuse. I go out and have croissant. I’m just a normal functioning member of the human race and there’s no way anyone can prove otherwise.”
26. “Your market research is Field of Dreams? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts? That’s your role model?”
27. “Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and we buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped in a takeaway bag. Plus… I’d have to hide it here, somewhere in my room next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, that’s what they want you to do. That’s where society’s headed. People shitting in bags and throwing it out the window at each other. Well, I’m not going to be the first. Not in my name!”
28. “Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it’s all a big laugh.”
29. “He’s gonna get cancer and I’m not. I don’t want him to but obviously one of us is going to get it and I’d rather it was him.”
30. Jez: “Look Mark, I’m a musician, in case you’d forgotten. Yeah? I answer to a higher law. The law of “if it feels good, do it”.
Mark: “Oh, that’s a great law isn’t it? What’s that, Gaddafi’s law?”
31. “So, a candle stuck in a wine bottle apparently doesn’t cut it anymore. Now for a special night you have to have Class-A drugs and… fisting.”
32. “Jeremy, a carton of Mars Bar Milk, a small bag of marijuana, and a pirated DVD of Anchorman are not important things.”
33. “You don’t just declare war, Jeremy. You prime the press, you square things with the UN, you make up your reasons.”
34. “That’s the way things are these days. ‘Let’s just put a zip here, a swastika there, why not? Who knows what these things once stood for? Who the hell even cares?”
35. “She’s not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh you’re a piece of work aren’t you? I’m down the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you’re back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression!”
36. “Oh God, the first fiancé challenge and I’ve got a gun. An actual gun. It’s OK, it’s perfectly normal, this is the country. This is what farmers do. They go around shooting crows, and trespassers, and eventually, because of the EU, themselves.”
37. “It’s okay, everyone says it. I say I love Häagen-Dazs and my broadband provider, and I like Sophie more than them. In most respects.”
38. [While getting a lap dance in a strip club.]
“Oh, great! Here we go. I’m just another cock getting wired into the global economy. Uhhh, how should I look like? Bond-like neutrality? As though I’m so used to real-life naked women? Or, don’t want to be rude… smiling encouragement? That’s not a leer is it? Got to avoid the leer at all costs. And the dribble. Oh God, she looks amazing. This really should not be allowed. This is what men want and we shouldn’t be allowed to have it because it’s horrible and it make you feel sick! Oh great, now I’m getting an erection. How grimly predictable.”
39. “Why are they being so nice? Maybe they’ve had a big chat about me and they’re suddenly realised I was right about North Korea, I was right about the European Constitution, and by God I think I’m right about the congestion charge!”
40. “Jesus, what’s that man doing? I should do something. If decent people like me do nothing, then what? Then they’ll come for the trade unionists- although that, to be honest, wouldn’t really bother me too much”
41. “Ugh, why did they have to put the bikes right in front of the sexualiser? Be so demeaning to get a bonk-on while exercising.”
42. “What a dud evening. Low quality take-away. Low quality detective drama. Low quality sexual intercourse.”
43. “This is possibly the most exciting thing that has happened to anyone ever. Does she know what she’s doing? Is she just innocently waggling her bum around and I’m getting illegal benefit? I’m not doing a sexual assault am I? You can’t do a sexual assault if you stay still like a statue. I’m just a statue, a dirty, filthy statue. Oh God, I’m getting very…Captain Corrigan if flying without a licence! Oh Jesus, it’s too much, I’m going to blow my beans! I’m going to do a Chesil Beach!”
44. “Oh god, the sweaty grip of the moron.”
